I’m crashing from the high – I’m letting go tonight

Trust.

Who doesn’t have issue with it during their lives? If there are people who actually have missed this painful of all life lessons, they truly are the blessed ones. I however find I keep retaking the test. Perhaps one day I will pass, but I can at least know that I have given everything I have where I have felt it was needed or deserved. I have tried to help overcome mistakes that were never mine in the first place & find it just leaves me depleted and angry at myself.
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Evolving has never been a bad thing in my eyes. Maybe it is growing up but at some point past just doesn’t fit into the present or lead you into a future. Shedding off the old unveils the person you were meant to be during the here and now. Even if it isn’t the easiest to accept.

The clutter of trying to be empathetic and understanding of others at times will suffocate if you don’t make sure to keep your head up and stand on your own now and then. The past week I found myself exhausted and realized most of my energy was being expended trying to help various people who I valued in my life. Having one event that I wanted to attend gave me a realization. I was pulled in so many directions that everything else ended up coming first. A sacrifice I made and knew I was making it when I made it. Still anything for friends. Then I realized through several interactions with a couple of people that it all just drained & depressed me. Conversations gave me reality checks that this isn’t me. Maybe it was, but that kind of life was just shackling me to the past. The negativity grew and never feels right.

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I exploded.

Several times in ways that stretched from angry texts to taking the neighbor stealing my recycling bin as a personal attack. Yes I got it back & let them know that it WILL never end up in their yard again without consequences. Forgot how intimidating I can be when it is needed. In Kali feels good to release now and then.  Only through the destruction can you be free to create what you dream. Why I keep forgetting or keep thinking I need to hold fast to everything in hopes that it will once again bring the joy it had I never know. My flaw.

But now I am WIDE AWAKE.

Grateful for the people who reciprocate the respect. No one should ever be used or abused. When the relationship turns, it is time to toss it out. The things that are meant to be will be. No rules state that you can’t reconnect later in life when you are both in better places. Won’t be the same connection, but if you truly are able to support each other in becoming the best you can be then why not? Only by freeing the space do you open up life to fill it with the good stuff of the present. Step into where you should be now.

It feels divine.

 

the 10 Day YOU Challenge: 6

10-Day-You-Challenge

So six places…  vague topics sometimes stump me. Is it six places I would like to never end up? Six places I have been? Six places with special memories? Six places I currently frequent? Six places I avoid like the plague? Six places I should be instead of online right now? So many ways to take this, which I guess makes it great for bloggers. Still I sat thinking on the beach more time than I should have on this one. The pelicans & gulls distracting me didn’t help much. Hey six places they sleep during hurricanes?

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Perhaps I need to spend more time traveling and less time conversing with laughing gulls. Nah. They are just too much more pleasant and jovial than many people. Course I find spending days watching waves roll in & popping in & out of the salty sea helps my mood too.

6 PLACES

6. Disneyland – because if it is anything like Walt Disney World, I will fiercely love it & treasure every moment. I’m a sucker for some Disney magic!

5. St Somewhere – An island is the Caribbean calls.

4. Tibet – the mellow peace of this place & its displaced people would be something that I am sure would stick with me for life. The scenes I have viewed in pictures & the interactions I have had in past with the monks certainly will always have a place in my heart. Any culture that has the patience to create sand mandalas simply in order to show their thanks to life, has a lot to teach me. Not sure what I would do to be able to sit in the mist & silently watch prayer flays flap in the winds.

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3. Greece – in particular the ancient ruins of the temples. Just so much history there and so many tales that I have grown up with. The land of the goddesses and gods has to be a very interesting place to spend time dreaming & seeing the remnants of history.

2. Puerto Rico – beautiful island where I don’t even need a passport? Not sure I would leave. Have a feeling the charm of the sights, food & people would be too much of a lure on me. Looks amazing & I hear the mangos are HEAVEN, but then again that has also been said about the mangos in my final place I would like to visit…

1. Thailand – seriously in love with almost every picture I have seen of Thailand. The beauty of the whole place just seems unmatched. Perhaps this is a place I lived in a wonderful former life or is destined to be a future heaven for me. Dunno but with sights like the temples & the coast, you just have to be in awe.

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Made it thru Arthur & Independence Day

Grass is Greener

Oh life…

You never stop surprising me.  The grass might look greener on the other side, but we know home would be a lush tropical garden if you just work the land you own.

Although at the moment my yard is looking like a storm blew through. Namely one named Arthur.

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No biggie other than the alarms scaring the crud out of me a few times.

A bigger pain was trying to get through the traffic jams & then find a spot on the beach during a holiday. Not sure why I felt the need to test the unwritten rule that locals give up the beaches to tourists for holidays in exchange for bringing cash to the local community. Thought about visiting the family, but after the storm passed all I wanted to do was get outside & relax on the sand. Thankfully I found the time and space.

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Been in a funk lately. A few old wounds reopened & several new ones just still need time to heal. Guess feeling them helps to heal them but I’m so over the pain.  Spending time alone helps plus no one needs to deal with a case of bitchitus. I hear it is highly contagious. Thus the holiday quarantine. Had a few plans with friends but there are days you know it is in everyone’s best interest to just bow out & relax. Spent my Independence Day independently watching the sun set and enjoying the new place I have found myself in. Wondering where I will be next year and if again it will be spend in solitude. Certainly isn’t my favorite holiday & losing my grandfather on it decades ago didn’t help, but I can appreciate it now and then… alone.

Grateful to live in a country where I can do this & grateful to have found my place in the sun.