Hope and Determination

So much changes so fast.

This time last week, I felt my life slipping away from me. Today I awoke with a spark.

More optimistic even if things aren’t perfect.

Mr Man & I have had some long talks and who knows where things will end up. What I do know is it is very hard to deal with depression from the inside, but it is also very difficult to deal with as someone who wants to support and make life better & can’t. There are some trust issues for both of us, but I think we both have good intentions. Time will tell if we work together or if we really just can’t be good influences on each other. Still stings but understanding the reasons and getting apologies certainly helps. Living together is tough even without the added stress.

Face it. We are both a bit nuts.

Face it. We are both a bit nuts.

Other than the stress of having him leave, neither one of us has done anything that would be a deal breaker. I can forgive a lot if there are good intentions behind it. I’m a bit cautious but part of having an adult relationship is working through the tough parts. Both of us being stubborn and used to being in control doesn’t help. We have both been hurt in the past. Our choices now are all that matter. For now the positives of being together outweigh the positives of being apart. So we take it day by day.

Having his stuff out has enabled me to take a better look at my stuff & question why there is so much of it! I swear the clothes in my closet multiply on their own. Feel like I just went through them & purged but clearly the space filled up again and it’s time to go through them again.

Call it Spring Cleaning or sanity saving diversion, the stuff has got to go. In the closet & out. Fixing up the bedroom just allowed me to neglect the other areas of the house. Problem with a great bed is you never want to leave it. Especially when the TV with the Roku is in here. Could just be that I enjoy the green walls so much better than those old white ones.

My goal is to reorganize and maybe even move furniture around.

I can’t change the past, but I know that I can shape the future. So that is where I am placing my energy, focusing on where I want to go, being who I want to be.

Fingers crossed.

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32 Flavors and Then Some

ARRRGGHH!

Not going to even vent here.  Life… it is certainly taking a change in so many ways.  Guess someone has to shake the globe once in a while to keep the glitter falling.  Yeah.  Just got to trust, keep going & hope there are much better days ahead.

Instead of being a grumpopotamus like I feel, I’m taking a page from Run Like a G! and listing 32 Things That Make Me Happy. (No particular order, but the first two are certainly tops in my eyes!)

1.  Baxter

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I don’t even know how I got so lucky to have this dog in my life.

2. My Nephew

This kid’s snuggles are indeed pure magic. He has scared us silly at times, but he finds a way to suck it up & stop crying even if his head does still hurt from the fall.  I don’t even know where I would be if I didn’t get to see his face light up when he sees his Aunt Ali.

3.  Parrots

The divas of the animal kingdom. They live life like rock stars but they are social and care deeply for those they claim.

4.  Social Media

Grateful for the release of saying what I want to say & knowing someone out there knows the feeling or can relate.  Love having so many friends available at just the stroke of a few keys.  Connections that I never would have had otherwise. Truly a blessing for introverts.

5.  Frozen

FINALLY got around to watching it. Actually my sister & I finally found time to watch it together.

Yes. It was worth the wait.  Still I don’t want to build a snowman, because that would require snow…. & snow is cold. I don’t enjoy cold.

6.  Beach Days

"FROZEN" (Pictured) OLAF. ©2013 Disney. All Rights Reserved.

So thankful lately for the comfort of the warm sun shining down as I watch the waves roll in. No better therapy sometimes.

7.  Silence

As beautiful as some sounds are, there is so much peace in silence.  Sometimes I just need it.

8.  Glitter

Sparkle in the mundane.  Enough said.

9.  Spring

Fall is my favorite season, but Spring is a close second.  Temperatures are blissful.  Everything is so new and green.  Hope in the air. Renewal.  Like life suddenly screaming “& I’m baaaack!” after the crushing winter.

10.  Soft blankets

At night a girl just needs to feel cozy and warm.

11.  Family

Being around someone who didn’t have the gift of family has made me appreciate the time with mine even more.  Never thought I could after losing mom, but yes even more now.  So lucky to have so many memories and so lucky for the opportunity to make more.

12.  Classes are nearly over for the semester

I am struggling & ready for a break and a chance to hit the restart button. Just too much recently.

13.  Senses

To help me connect with everything around me & experience the uniqueness of it all.  They trigger comforting memories, even if it means now & then I can tell when the munchkin has a full diaper.  (Jeez I have no idea what they fed this kid, but daaang.)

14.  Stars

Twinkling & giving the sky its patterns. Love them.  Always good to make a wish now & then.

15.  Colors

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Seriously can you imagine a black and white world?  Dullsville.

16. Coloring

Actually how much fun is it to just color. Just make a small piece of paper more beautiful.  Even if only for temporary enjoyment only seen by me.

17.  Breezes

The earth just feels so alive when a breeze blows by.  Cool breeze, warm breeze, just feels heavenly.

18. Therapy

Grateful to live in a world where there is help when you need it.

19.  Spirals

Just because they do make me happy.

20.  Moss

There is a mossy patch at my parents place that ever since I can remember, I have loved kicking of my shoes & walking on. Just blissful feeling. If only carpet felt so good.

21.  Sore muscles

Maybe they don’t make me happy per se, but they can make you feel pretty bad ass knowing you have pushed yourself.

22.  Pinterest

because I am an addict & it is so inspiring anytime of day for any mood.

23.  Peanut Sauce

as in thai peanut sauce.  I think I could drink the stuff.  Soon I am treating myself to a couple of mango spring rolls from my favorite place and smothering them in peanut sauce.

24.  Rain

My father is complaining that it is supposed to start raining anytime now.  Mr Man would always complain about rain since it stopped his ability to work, now that I am single…. I don’t care if it rains or not.  In fact I am just glad that it isn’t going to be snow.  My Dad,  the snow lover, wasn’t thrilled when that was my response.  “As least it isn’t snow!”

25.  Water

Just in general be it rain, ability to shower, to drink, to swim… the stuff just rocks!

26.  Bottle of Nail Polish

I’m not a professional manicure girl.  Give me a simple color to do on my own.  It is relaxing and just makes me feel a bit more girlie and pampered.  Quick, easy & low cost pick me up.

27.  Dandelion Wishes

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The thrill of picking a couple of dandelions and showing my nephew how you can blow the balls of fluff into a dizzing army of lil paratroopers gliding all over the grassy yard.  So much fun.

28.  Laughter

Nothing like it.  Not a single thing.  It is contagious and feels great to hear or to do.  Plus it’s free!  What’s not to love?

29.  Plants

I need to get back into indoor plants.  I’m sure my house would feel more homey if I did.  Glad I planted a few herbs and veggies this year.  We shall see if they actually grow, but so far so good.

30.  Rainbow Sherbet

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31.  Hope

The future might not be what I thought it might be, but there will be one.  Whatever lies ahead will be what is best for me.  I don’t ever want to force anyone who doesn’t want to be there into it.  Surprises may be the only constant in life.

32.  My Meds

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& the reminders that get me to take them.  Already starting to feel a bit better.  Wish I could say that I feel happy, but I’m just sad and a bit heartbroken for the rejection.  Still I am getting better and feeling less zapped if that makes any sense.  Soon.  Very soon.

Then who knows.  Maybe I will do this list again.

Another Ending

Another chapter closes in my life.

This week Mr Man & I split.  Still slightly in shock about it all but we just need different things.

My  last doctor’s visit my psychiatrist felt I was doing great & we discussed possibly decreasing my medications.  Mr Man (& guys before) have had issues with the number of pills I take daily, but I know where I was & like being where I am now (usually).  I understand that some people have addictions and abuse medication, but when it works, it works.  With my doctor’s encouragement and approval, I went off one of my medications.  Even then, I still felt judged for what I was taking.

Old habits slipped back.  Sadness.  Insecurity. No motivation to do anything or go anywhere.  Anxiety attacks came back.  I knew I was down, but didn’t realize how bad I had gotten.  I was able to justify some of it with excuses that contained some truth.  Trying to save money, I didn’t go out as much as I could have.  Reality is some days I just didn’t feel like leaving the bed.  Depression gets to you like that.

My ability to concentrate on anything has made school work nearly impossibly & I have lost desire to even attempt it… or much of anything else.

In a conversation something came up & I got sad.  After spending a day in bed crying again, I got informed that I am just too sad a person to date.  He felt he needed to focus on his life & I need get a better grasp on mine.  He said I am a completely different person when I am not on my meds.  Evidently only one of those people is worth being around.

I didn’t even put up much of a fight.

Communication hasn’t been great lately for either of us.

The whole conversation just left me feeling disposable and unwanted.  Which I guess in a way, I am. We all are.  Honestly my first impulse was not a good one.  Thankfully it didn’t get beyond a thought.  Thankfully I had it in me to contact help & refill the medication I had stopped immediately.

So lesson learned.  I do need that one.  Back on it.  Hoping that soon all will balance out.  Til then I have therapy, the beach & wonderful friends and family.

I’m not angry.  Just still sad.  More so.  But I know where I have been and have faith that if I get through the hours, they become days.  One day things will be ok again.

So much more to write and say but I am just still pretty numb.

I opened up & I tried.  It failed.  Scary as it is, nothing to do but move on.

He has moved out & wants to stay friends.  Not sure how I feel about that one.  I trusted him and had hopes that maybe this time would last.  Maybe this time he would have my back.  Friends first works out best they say, but guess depression just gets the best of anything.

So back to single life.  Back to the original mix of medications.  Hopefully back to me.