A to Z

My world has completely been turned upside down.

Wednesday, I became an aunt officially!

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After seeing glimpses of how changed my world would be if I lost my sister & her baby, we got the best news we could ever hear – I had  a new nephew and both he & his Mom were doing good.

Zane entered the world and we will never be the same.

Already he has his aunt wrapped around his tiny little fingers.  Luckily he is one of the best mannered and sweetest beings on the planet.  Hardly a fuss at all.  Content to be snuggled and enjoy seeing anything you care to share.

If only Mom could be here getting to know this guy and getting to see my sister being the natural mom she is.  She has to be so very proud.  Today I was lucky enough to get to give my nephew his first nail trim.  Didn’t even have a clue how babies have such sharp nails at birth!  Hard to fathom that it wasn’t that long ago I gave Mom her the last manicure.   So many questions I wish I could ask her right now.  Learning so much and feel so blessed to be included in this time.  Bit overwhelming how much has changed so quickly, but grateful for all we have.

So funny how in an instant, everything changes.

Sometimes, it even changes for the better!

Welcome to the world little one.  May you always know you are loved, laugh more than you cry & be lucky in all you do.  May you always be true to you.

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2013 Draft Pride

Last weekend was incredible.  You can see more here, on my Aunt related blog.

But this weekend was more focused on making myself happy.

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Was the weekend of the 2013 NFL Draft & the Carolina Panthers threw a party!

I had a blast getting to check out the view from the field, inside the locker room & seeing lots of fans and Panther related activities.  The forecast didn’t look so great & Dad dragged getting up there making it later than I would have liked, but we still managed to see almost everything before the storm started up.

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Still trying to figure out where the term “Hog Mollies” came from & why suddenly everyone is using it, but otherwise the draft was exciting.  We are going to be a team unlike we have ever been before.  Should be interesting seeing what happens combining the new players with those seasoned ones that make being a Panther fan so exciting.

Some say it is only a game, but to me it is time to forget everything else and come together to cheer on a team for a few hours.   Games are a break from all the stress of life and all that chaos that comes with it.  Connection with something bigger for a little while.  A pride.  Together we hope, we cheer, we defend, we win or we lose.  Together.  Then a week later, we do it all again.  I’m not one who likes watching the game with the know-it-alls who get all in an uproar about how it should be done & get mad.  Over all it is a game.  There is money to be made, but it is there for enjoyment not stress.  I’m not on that field (normally) but I trust that those who are know much better what they are doing.

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Each game only happens once.  You can replay the clips, but even with the same guys on the same teams, it is never the same.  The suspense lies in watching to see how it all turns out this time.  Hoping that no one is injured and that all play better than they ever played before!  Surprises lurk at any moment.  You can call plays & know what can happen, but good luck trying to predict what actually does happen.  The emotions on each team member, fan or opponent’s faces shine brightly with each act and you feel alive.

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The draft for me is a time to glance at what the season could be like.  More than that, I get caught up in watching dreams come true.  For my team or for others.  Watching the draft gets me emotionally.  These guys worked harder than I can fathom to get to that point.  Support from family, friends, coaches and so many others help build them up to becoming NFL potential.  Then they get a call and it happens.  The dream is realized.  They get drafted to a professional team.  No matter what comes in life, that happened.  It only happens to a select group of people in the world, but it happens for them.  The hope and gratitude displayed by these grown men is moving.  How many people can honestly say that they had a dream and it came true? While the nation watched!  Beautiful.

The part I hate is that for the dreams to come true for a few, the experience must end or change for even more.  Players become Alumni.  Teams restructure and new faces join the old.  Like life I suppose.  Still painful sometimes.

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Looking in the Panthers locker room this weekend it struck me.  Seeing the favorite’s names up above their lockers was thrilling, but seeing the empty ones hit home.  That empty locker once held shoes, jerseys & all the other stuff.  It had a name that hung above it proving that someone’s dream had become a reality.  Now it waits.  Everything packed up & moved, it waits for a new name and new stuff to fill the waiting shelves.

The titles may show that one person replaces another, but it never really works like that.  There will always be the clips showing that the player that has moved on was once a part of that season with their own stories to tell.  No game is ever the same just as no player is ever the same.  Everyone brings their unique talents to the table, making it their season, their game.

Can you imagine working out there? Love it!

Can you imagine working out there? Love it!

Sure to some it is just a bunch of grown men throwing an oddly shaped brown ball around and running.  To those that connect with the game, we see the magic.  The spirits and the dreams coming true right before our eyes and we know that through it all we were there.

 If nothing else, it is simply a few hours enjoying a distraction and maybe a beer or a few while the weight of the world waits away from the action.

Either way, COUNT ME IN!  I am ready for some FOOTBALL… but not any football.

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PANTHERS FOOTBALL!

Bring it!  We always KEEP POUNDING in Carolina!

Sam Mills' spirit still inspires! (looked like the Autograph poster was still signed by the 2012-13 team)

Sam Mills’ spirit still inspires!
(looked like the Autograph poster was still signed by the 2012-13 team)

All Smiles & Sugar Buzzes

Yesterday was THE baby shower for my sister & brother in law.

Not sure if I will treasure all the joyous moments of the day or the memories of planning it with Mom before she passed more.  Feels like she had to be proud.

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and admittedly, so am I.

Can’t wait to meet this new family member.  Aunthood is going to be amazing!

 

Relaxing #52Lists

Life can easily be overwhelming.

All too often life shows us how quickly it could take a turn when we least expect it.  Even more important to savor each moment and do the things that mean the most.

Spent the afternoon meditating by the ocean & for a little while last night sat and watched the waves roll in under the moonlight.

None of it makes any more since before, but I feel better.

Also delighted by a surprise in my mailbox.

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My Sseko sandals arrived!

Super happy about these.

Today’s topic for 52 Lists was perfectly timed – Things I Find Relaxing

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Should have added being snuggled up in comfy blankets and pillows with a snoring pug by my side.  Sure is relaxing right now.

Stay Strong

Be tough.
Fight on.
Get through this.

Keep Calm and Carry On.

Be strong.

We battle through the tough times in life to find the better days.

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Started asking myself why.

Why struggle to give the impression that all is ok when it clearly isn’t. Recent conversation with a relative made me laugh & think. They were undergoing an operation and chose to pass on general aenthesia. Body numb but fully alert they were greeted by the surgeon who politely asked “How are you doing today?”. The response was priceless. Something to the effect of how the hell do you think I am doing if I am on your operating table on a Sunday morning!  No sugar coated “I’m fine.” or okay, when obviously they were not.

We do this to make others okay.  To prevent them from seeing our weakness or sharing the burden.  Why?

Does it really do us any good pretending? Hiding our hearts breaking does what exactly?

Not sure if it is just nature or we learn it, but we seem to know that to survive we have to find the strength to act as if all is okay.  As a kid you learn not to cry, even when you feel like it.  You grow up.

Strength is nothing more than learning to hide the horror and pain.  In the end, it isn’t that you choose to be strong rather it becomes the only choice you have.  Every choice has an element of bravery.  Even choosing to give up has a moment where you face the outcomes and decide that is better than the other options.  Still a choice.  You own it.

I usually pull away in hard times, but I promised Mom I would be here for Dad.  I thought it comforted her knowing he wouldn’t be alone, but realize she probably also thought it through that I wouldn’t pull away this time.  Wouldn’t run into isolation of distractions.  Smart lady she was.  While I am with him, I fight hard not to show sadness or let him know how much it hurts.  Have to be there for him.

My motto is to treasure what is because someone always has it worse & I know this is true.  I am very lucky.  Even with everything that has happened, I fully understand how it all could have been a lot worse.  I knew my mother.  I got to spend the time & make the memories.  I get to make more with the rest of the family while we still can.

Part of me wants to challenge that thought process with the flip side.  It could always be better.   Someone somewhere, has it much better.  Which pisses me off.  Why do they get the pots of gold?

Then I remember there is something that is far more precious than gold.

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& I have to have faith that all of this trial and pain, leads to something far greater than I am now.  Just have to hang on and keep facing everything until it is again time to sparkle.

#52Lists Style Icons and teardrops

style icons 52 Lists

Style icons? Can’t really say I have thought much about that topic but there it is.  This week’s topic for the 52 Lists.

& a refreshing break for my mind.
Focus has been on preparing for this baby shower.  When I’m not thinking about how everything has changed since Mom died.  Has been a tough week.  Missing her more and more each day.  Hard to fathom how much things change.  Little stuff.  Roles lost.  Duties undone.  Several things got me thinking about how different life is when you take people out.  The way relationships change.  The more I try not to think, the harder it is to stop thinking.
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No matter how much I wish I could change the past, I can’t.  Yet I can’t help but think about how things would and should be different.
Not sure what good it does but I can’t stop.
Music comes on the radio, I cry.  TV shows and movies to distract, some how it relates & I cry.  Keep telling myself you feel to heal. But I’m tire of crying.  I’m tired of being sad.  I’m tired of missing Mom.  I’m tired of worrying about everyone else and what will happen. I’m tired.
Thankfully I have plenty of time to sleep.
Another 24 down.

Stress Stranglehold

There are moments that I find myself thinking “OK, we’ve proved how we can handle it all and keep our heads… send Mom back now.”  As if it is all some test to see how strong we are.

Deep down it still feels like she is alive and just away.

For years she dedicated herself to school day in & day out where she would work late or keep herself busy at home grading assignments. We would find something to do on our own. Some days it felt like she wasn’t home at all.  Then she got sick and life changed. Home was the focus and where the hours were spent.  Now it feels empty without her.  Like she left again.  As if in time she will return and be with family again.

Even with all the time away at work, in the emergency moments she was there.  When my kidneys got infected she took me to the doctors and fought to care for me at home rather than the hospital, knowing the places unnerved me.  Even at a young age they overwhelmed me.  Scared me.  No place of healing comfort.  Then later in high school even during my rebellious hellion phase, when we found my tumor, she was there.  After the attack, she was the one who came down to care for me.  To wait thru the reconstructive surgery, the physical therapy, the psychological battles I found in my sleep that she soon learned to just let me fight thru.

Her tumors. Her treatments. The surgeries. The recovery.  They all found us all together. Supporting however we could. Even if only just to give comfort she wasn’t alone. 

As tested as our relationships could get in the “normal life” times, we all knew when it is family fighting something major, you back them up.

This weekend was another of those moments.  Another family vacation to stay in another hospital room. This time I found myself even more terrified and numb.  There was no way so much can happen in our lives.  We deserve some smiles and time to heal. Learn to laugh again.  But here we were.

I missed mom’s knack for knowing what to do or how to get updates and figure out what is best.  Her absense was deafening. I tried to ask what would she do & try to do that, but I am not her.

Thankfully the doctors and staff were great and after a small surgery and recovery time, we are all resting more comfortably in beds that don’t come equipped with a call button and oxygen masks.

The memories flooded us. Many remember when mom was her or how we sat there so long waiting after this. Maybe this is what it takes to get thru those flashbacks so when the baby comes, we can all have the happy hospital visits that we hear actually happen.  At least then we will be able to have another couple of shoulders to lean on (well cuddle and chat with anyway).

This scared just confirmed how much family matters.  Also how quickly mine could disappear without warning.  Thankful for all the medical knowledge and gadgets that can fix issues.  Literally saving liveS – the one at stake and also the family that depends on them.

So hug those you love extra tight. Feel every moment of it & make the memory to store away to keep you company later if you need it. 

Maybe some day (please let it be soon) life will came down and defended can come down to where we can relax. Truly relax. D