& the web address is….

Tonight I think I crashed.

Just like at the office today, I accidentally hit the “red button” on the power strip & OFF went the computer.  Causing me to stop what I was doing & wait til the system powered back up.  A few hours later another unscheduled delay when outlook crashed for the whole office for the rest of the day.  Complete shutdown & oh shit mode.

Back home, showered off the stress of work & lounging around the house I found myself updating my dating profile and going through the messages.  Nothing worth reading, but I did.  Pages and pages of guys, yet nothing peaked my interest.  I critiqued phrases and laughed at the spelling errors.  My heart just wasn’t into finding Mr Right, right now.  I’m really not interested in meeting the guys I have nothing seeming in common with.  But still I looked and hoped my mind might open up.

some have more input on things than I do at the moment, too bad its not his choice

Dinner… shared with Baxter & the birds…. a few last minute edits on the book before print & on to planning the budget for next month.  Fingers crossed I can afford to get the hair done before I shave the dome and invest in some cheap wigs to not have to deal with these bangs growing out.  Also trying to save some cash and maybe even afford a class that starts next week as long as there are enough people signed up to have it.

Round up the night with the house search.  More potentials with no real za za zu.  The listings rolled on and I kept looking wondering when I would feel something for one of the places.

Then it hit me how much it feels like I am stuck searching for my future on the internet.

I need to unplug.

Spend some time just being.  Hanging with the crew in my life now.  Even if its not quite what I am wanting, its here.  Maybe one day I will miss these moments.  No sense skipping over them now in the hopes for something better.

I remember the day when spending my days with birds was just a dream

 

Fire and Ice… left for gold

Once in my life I may remember mistakes made & embrace the lesson rather than dare myself to repeat them and expect different results.  Just not anytime soon it seems.

I admit it.  I was the kid who read the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books multiple times just to see what the out come and ending would be IF ONLY I had taken that one choice differently.

Sometimes we still ended up in the same place.

Fire will always end up melting ice.

The combination is exciting at first, but it just doesn’t last.  Fire changes to smoke and the ice to water.  Smoke on the water might be lyrics a song, but in life it seems not to be paradise.

Gold digger.

Not exactly a phrase I ever want to wear or ever have, but it struck me this morning.  No I’m not trying to escort myself to a higher level of dating, but in a lot of ways I am looking for gold.

More like panning.

Taking a pile of dirt and shaking it up.  Getting rid of the excess and washing off the few things that stick out in hopes of finding something worth keeping.  Something that in the end with sparkle.

I’ve been lucky enough to find a few gems in gem mining.  Even had a perfect piece of mystic topaz set into a ring.  But after time, I lost that ring.  Along with the person I went mining with.  Still I remember the experience.  I remember how exciting it was to wonder what was in that bucket.  To watch as the dirt fell through the screen and the water showed what lay beneath… the anticipation.  The memory stays.

Through all this dating at least I have the memories & the lessons learned about myself.  Maybe one day, I will find something worth keeping.

Beat down and decade dreaming

Today was totally a Monday.  I feel like a zombie.  Sun hadn’t even set but I felt as if I could sleep as soon as I walked in from work this afternoon.  Doesn’t help that Baxter just curls up and starts snoring by my side every chance he gets.  Maybe it was the near miss Earth had with an asteroid this morning.

Still playing catch up with a million little details leftover from last week & the weekend… but getting there.

One not so fun part was facing my budget.  Its so hard to go from getting a salary every two weeks to working with being paid hourly rate every week.  Starting to hate holidays! But one day I will pass the introductory period and get paid for them again.  One day I will figure out how to pay the car payment with a check that is almost way too close to that amount.. or how to get by on that difference for 7 days in between checks.

Bit of a grump at work after going through countless applications to find one that was even closely qualified for a position.  FYI: optimism is awesome, I completely suggest healthy doses of it for everyone in life, however be slightly realistic in what you are applying for OR customize your resume to show us how your current experiences relate to the position you are applying for.  It is annoying to go thru hundreds of resumes looking for a medical office manager and keep seeing ones of people who have never had any experience in an office much less a medical supervisory position.  No, sorry decorating a cake and ringing up burgers does not qualify you for that particular position.  Maybe one day, but at the moment this would not be a good idea for anyone involved… please just step out the way.   Also if you know you are going to fail the drug test required for a position, just admit it from the get go & not waste anyone’s time (your’s or mine).  Not sure why I let situations get to me, but I did today.

Looking at online house listings is getting harder & harder.  Something my Dad brought us has me getting picker than I should be to be able to stay within the goal budget.  He suggested I find something that I would be comfortable in for at least the next 10 years…. TEN YEARS?!?!?  Makes sense & its a really good thing to think about, but its hard to define where I will be in life in a decade.

A decade ago, I was in a completely different place in my life.  One where this house still worked fine.  Just got out of a 5 year relationship and grown out of the depression that followed that ending.  Had just graduated from college and was wondering what next?  Dealing with the news that mom had been diagnosed with cancer and realizing how precious time together really is.

Happy to say Mom is still here and although she has been better, she is still with us to make memories.  Even has some stubble as her hair grows back from the round of chemo.  Still stubborn and ready to take charge.  Still Mom.

Ten years ago, I never would have guessed my uncle would no longer be with us.  Couldn’t have imagined how much my sister would have grown into her life.  Or that my grandmother would have had a stroke, moved west and now not around to hear her laughter or wacky substitutions for curse words.

But then again… in those ten years I have learned more about who I am and accepting myself.  Been to Europe, paid off my first convertible on my own (almost), survived several experiences I never thought I would be faced with and met some pretty amazing people, while editing out a few people in my life that no longer fit.

So in searching for a new address, I have to wonder what I am getting myself into.  Where will I find myself in ten years.  I’m more afraid of how different it all will be.  Then again, hopefully there will be a lot to be proud of.  Just scary how much can change so fast.

Thinking good thoughts.

Tomorrow is a whole new day and one day further into this next decade.

Time to take a cue from those optimistic applicants & believe in myself a bit more.  Figure out which pair of shoes it is I want to end up wearing into the future.

funk friday

Friday nights should not be spent dreading all the things that must be done on a Saturday.  But here I am in a bit of a funk.  why? my biggest flaw – over thinking.

I know I shouldn’t yet I do.

Finding myself wanting more.

Sick of the standard of things lately.

Maybe its the rush worn off from yesterday’s adventures.  Maybe its the realization that visiting with the family will never be the way it was once.  Maybe its the frustration of life standing still.  Maybe its the fear of making a few decisions.

Whatever it is, I’m dreading a weekend.

Spent a few hours this afternoon checking out houses.  I’m being too picky.  Nothing seemed right tonight.  Hated the bathroom, loved the kitchen, knew the yard was entirely too much, but liked it better than the one with no parking.  Not a single place sparked my spirit.  I am beyond ready to move on, but what am I moving to?  I want space.  A place to grow with and establish a real house to have room to do more and entertain, but am I really going to?

Do things ever really change?

Of course.  But is it all childish dreams to think they get easier?

I know I will never have the dollhouse I once dreamed of living in with the perfect furniture and the perfect family, but hoping I can find somewhere to be happy.

Or do we all just settle?

In life in so many ways it seems like there is a lot of settling.  Just stinks.

Hard to let go.  Hate to hold on.  Just ready to move on to the better days.

….or at least a few dreams….

Thinking an ambien & a few pug snuggles with get me there tonight.

Maybe tomorrow will be better than expected.

Maybe tomorrow I will trust.  Trust that things are different this time.  Trust that the dreams that we wish really do come true.  Trust that I will find a way to the place where I really should be.

 

 

 

 

hourly pay or play

tonight , all smiles.

the work treat was DIVINE!

As a thank you for doing so great recently & working on a few big projects and increased work loads, the bosses took a few of us out for dinner tonight.  We were told at work today to meet up after work at a restaurant at the mall.

Drinks (I played nice & stuck with tea) & dinner were wonderful.  Great conversation with a couple of the best people alive.  It was bliss.

At the end of dinner, one of the bosses said “time for the game!” & grinned from ear to ear.  ….what game?

The other boss just laughed & said “ok.” and started passing out envelopes with the instructions not to open them until we all had ours.  So simultaneously we opened the envelopes with a bit of confusion.

A thank you card & a HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL!

Sweet!!!  I was ecstatic.  Dinner was enough. Heck the job & the regular paycheck with people I like doing a job & love is more than enough.

Now this?

I felt VERY lucky.

Then came the warning.  No one was allowed to take the hundred dollar bill home.  More very confused looks.  I thought okay… that is a bit strange…but I walked in here without the money, its ok if I walk out without it.

They gave us the rules.

  • We had to spend the money in the mall
  • No one was allowed to spend money on kids, spouses, anyone other than themselves – & with a direct look at me – not even on pets!
  • We HAD to spend the money on things for ourselves or give it back.  Any unspent money had to be returned.
  • No spending our own money on anything.  No going over the $100.
  • We had one hour and 15 minutes to spend it all & meet back up.
  • The person who brought back the least amount of change won a prize.  (REALLY? A prize? Dinner, the money, the fun… now MORE?)

& at that we were off!  Shooting in various directions to various stores to buy whatever it was we could think of.

What could I get?  What have I been wanting but not letting myself spend money on?  what? what? where?

Sounded so easy at the table!  I thought, no problem.  I haven’t been shopping in so long this will be a piece of cake.

Not so easy.  I decided that I should get something I could wear to work.  So the new sheet set was out.  Clothes? nah.. too hard to shop for on a time limit.  New shoes & purse?  SURE!

So I went looking.  Found shoes…. ON SALE!   No luck on the purse.  Of course when I have cash its hard to find one I love.  But I did get distracted by the jewelry.  Clearance necklaces, earrings, etc.  So much fun.  Like a kid playing in a relative’s jewelry box.

Still at the end of it, I had $8.70.

So I dashed in another store & found the nail polish at the counter.  I can always have fun with new nail polish.  Glitter? yes please. Purple? ok.  Light purple? why not?  Then I noticed the socks for 49 cents! Another something to wear to work!  So I got 3 pairs & found myself at 66 cents.

Almost got a gumball as I walked back to meet the group.

Already had the boss and 2 coworkers there waiting.  With 8 minutes to spare.

I didn’t win.  Even the gumball wouldn’t have let me win.  I would have lost by a penny.

A fashionista deal diva won.  $100 to FIFTEEN CENTS! The girl has skills.

So she got the prize.  A great smelling candle.

But honestly that might have been the coolest thing I have ever done as a work bonus.  Just one of those memories that you can’t imagine til it happens.  So grateful for wonderful creative people I work with.  So happy my life is mine tonight.

So looking forward to painting these nails & planning what I will be wearing tomorrow with my new shoes.

Yes its a very proud girly night.

SCORE!

…..& now that I have time to think, I have about a million things I am thinking I should have / could have gotten.  Still I think I will always treasure the memory the most!

Into the Unknown

Lately I have been more at ease than I ever expected to be… especially with so much going on in my life & changing.

Words can no express the amazement this gives me.  A few years ago, I would never have been this ok with the uncertain.  I’m a Virgo.  I have major anxiety issues.  I don’t trust lightly.  I enjoy control of my life and heck… I want to know how to dress for every situation.  Girl tries to be comfy & look good!

Tomorrow after work I have plans.  What? Honestly I don’t know.  All I know is that there will be 6 of us doing something & its a secret to 4 of us.  What to wear? Who knows.  Will we be going someone? maybe.  Will we be eating since its planned from 5:30 to 9:30? dear gawdess we better or the bitchy side will arise!

The old me would have worried myself into an anxiety attack just thinking for a week on all the “what if”s and will I look stupid when I don’t want to do whatever it is or will everyone else be better at whatever.  Now I don’t care.  I’m curious. I truly enjoy all the coworkers going & am trusting that I am confidential enough to laugh off any snafus I might bring about.

Thinking back I remember way too many events that I have missed out on making memories, simply because I let my anxiety get the best of me & make me sick enough to skip the event.  Truth is those good times and the memories are what carry us through the harder times.

Just like how many relationships have I passed on just because I was scared to let go.  Too afraid to open up & be judged.  Missed out on the adventures and experiences just because of fear.  Sure they might not have been the one but they might have been fun for now. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? Are we dating? Are we in a relationship? Are we exclusive? Are we… forget the definitions.  Its the feelings that matter.  So be it.

Why do we strive so much for perfection?

So tomorrow I am going out (or in…. or whatever they have planned) with the girls from work.  Also instead of being too afraid I am going to savor the moments. The plans always seem to fall apart anyway.  Why plan out all the details only to see it all fall by the wayside & realize I should have been enjoying the time I had?

I know the ant & the grasshopper, save for the rainy day, blah blah.. course I should think of tomorrow & be aware of what I want & how to TRY to get it, but I should also enjoy the moments.  They may be all I have.

Plus who knows.  Maybe, just maybe I will start thinking about things differently.  Open up to the possibilities that if I let them, things can be what they are meant to be instead of what I force them to be.

Perfection is over rated & the expectations are for those following the path laid out for them.  I’m blazing my own trail.  So be it what it may.

 

The Scene I’m In

Another day done.

Maniac Monday sizzled right into a simmer.

Frantic morning work catch up. Melting as lunch was picked up seeing the temperatures in triple digits. Rushing home to let the pugster out before heading off to meet a new group.  Coming home to finish the book project.

Even got a new post crossing postcard!  This time from Holland.

The scene flooded my mind with memories of walking around Amsterdam in 2001.  Even if by night it was insanity with the coffeeshops, the bars, the brothel booths with the crowds checking out the windows…the day had a serene peace about it.  The water flowing all over.  The peaceful people relaxing in the cafes, the strolls along the shops.  Just showed how different things can be and yet the same place.

Now me time.  As rushed and packed as the day was, now its quiet reflection time.

In the group tonight we ended with an invitation to set an intention.  For the life of me I couldn’t think of anything beyond getting the rest of the day’s to-do list done.  Nothing that seemed uplifting or empowering like others’ intentions.

Yet on the way home I was stopped at a light when I got the alert that I had an email.  Red light, so I checked the email.  A post card I had sent had arrived in Taiwan & been registered to the post crossing site.  The comment made me beam in pride since the post card was of a picture I had taken.

I looked over at the great oak trees lining Country Club Drive & thought “I should take a picture of them.  They would be beautiful in a picture.”  Then I really laughed.  They WERE beautiful! As is, in person, right there.  Why do I need to have a camera to focus in on the beauty around me?

Still it seems to come easier to do for me.  Something about the view through the camera just makes it all easier on the eyes.  The details pop out more.  The vision has limits.  Its framed and shows angles previously unnoticed.

So my intention for the next two weeks is to take more pictures.  Beyond that strive to notice more of the beauty in life and all within it – even without the camera.  Enjoy the moments and the scenes I am in.