& the web address is….

Tonight I think I crashed.

Just like at the office today, I accidentally hit the “red button” on the power strip & OFF went the computer.  Causing me to stop what I was doing & wait til the system powered back up.  A few hours later another unscheduled delay when outlook crashed for the whole office for the rest of the day.  Complete shutdown & oh shit mode.

Back home, showered off the stress of work & lounging around the house I found myself updating my dating profile and going through the messages.  Nothing worth reading, but I did.  Pages and pages of guys, yet nothing peaked my interest.  I critiqued phrases and laughed at the spelling errors.  My heart just wasn’t into finding Mr Right, right now.  I’m really not interested in meeting the guys I have nothing seeming in common with.  But still I looked and hoped my mind might open up.

some have more input on things than I do at the moment, too bad its not his choice

Dinner… shared with Baxter & the birds…. a few last minute edits on the book before print & on to planning the budget for next month.  Fingers crossed I can afford to get the hair done before I shave the dome and invest in some cheap wigs to not have to deal with these bangs growing out.  Also trying to save some cash and maybe even afford a class that starts next week as long as there are enough people signed up to have it.

Round up the night with the house search.  More potentials with no real za za zu.  The listings rolled on and I kept looking wondering when I would feel something for one of the places.

Then it hit me how much it feels like I am stuck searching for my future on the internet.

I need to unplug.

Spend some time just being.  Hanging with the crew in my life now.  Even if its not quite what I am wanting, its here.  Maybe one day I will miss these moments.  No sense skipping over them now in the hopes for something better.

I remember the day when spending my days with birds was just a dream


Fire and Ice… left for gold

Once in my life I may remember mistakes made & embrace the lesson rather than dare myself to repeat them and expect different results.  Just not anytime soon it seems.

I admit it.  I was the kid who read the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books multiple times just to see what the out come and ending would be IF ONLY I had taken that one choice differently.

Sometimes we still ended up in the same place.

Fire will always end up melting ice.

The combination is exciting at first, but it just doesn’t last.  Fire changes to smoke and the ice to water.  Smoke on the water might be lyrics a song, but in life it seems not to be paradise.

Gold digger.

Not exactly a phrase I ever want to wear or ever have, but it struck me this morning.  No I’m not trying to escort myself to a higher level of dating, but in a lot of ways I am looking for gold.

More like panning.

Taking a pile of dirt and shaking it up.  Getting rid of the excess and washing off the few things that stick out in hopes of finding something worth keeping.  Something that in the end with sparkle.

I’ve been lucky enough to find a few gems in gem mining.  Even had a perfect piece of mystic topaz set into a ring.  But after time, I lost that ring.  Along with the person I went mining with.  Still I remember the experience.  I remember how exciting it was to wonder what was in that bucket.  To watch as the dirt fell through the screen and the water showed what lay beneath… the anticipation.  The memory stays.

Through all this dating at least I have the memories & the lessons learned about myself.  Maybe one day, I will find something worth keeping.

Beat down and decade dreaming

Today was totally a Monday.  I feel like a zombie.  Sun hadn’t even set but I felt as if I could sleep as soon as I walked in from work this afternoon.  Doesn’t help that Baxter just curls up and starts snoring by my side every chance he gets.  Maybe it was the near miss Earth had with an asteroid this morning.

Still playing catch up with a million little details leftover from last week & the weekend… but getting there.

One not so fun part was facing my budget.  Its so hard to go from getting a salary every two weeks to working with being paid hourly rate every week.  Starting to hate holidays! But one day I will pass the introductory period and get paid for them again.  One day I will figure out how to pay the car payment with a check that is almost way too close to that amount.. or how to get by on that difference for 7 days in between checks.

Bit of a grump at work after going through countless applications to find one that was even closely qualified for a position.  FYI: optimism is awesome, I completely suggest healthy doses of it for everyone in life, however be slightly realistic in what you are applying for OR customize your resume to show us how your current experiences relate to the position you are applying for.  It is annoying to go thru hundreds of resumes looking for a medical office manager and keep seeing ones of people who have never had any experience in an office much less a medical supervisory position.  No, sorry decorating a cake and ringing up burgers does not qualify you for that particular position.  Maybe one day, but at the moment this would not be a good idea for anyone involved… please just step out the way.   Also if you know you are going to fail the drug test required for a position, just admit it from the get go & not waste anyone’s time (your’s or mine).  Not sure why I let situations get to me, but I did today.

Looking at online house listings is getting harder & harder.  Something my Dad brought us has me getting picker than I should be to be able to stay within the goal budget.  He suggested I find something that I would be comfortable in for at least the next 10 years…. TEN YEARS?!?!?  Makes sense & its a really good thing to think about, but its hard to define where I will be in life in a decade.

A decade ago, I was in a completely different place in my life.  One where this house still worked fine.  Just got out of a 5 year relationship and grown out of the depression that followed that ending.  Had just graduated from college and was wondering what next?  Dealing with the news that mom had been diagnosed with cancer and realizing how precious time together really is.

Happy to say Mom is still here and although she has been better, she is still with us to make memories.  Even has some stubble as her hair grows back from the round of chemo.  Still stubborn and ready to take charge.  Still Mom.

Ten years ago, I never would have guessed my uncle would no longer be with us.  Couldn’t have imagined how much my sister would have grown into her life.  Or that my grandmother would have had a stroke, moved west and now not around to hear her laughter or wacky substitutions for curse words.

But then again… in those ten years I have learned more about who I am and accepting myself.  Been to Europe, paid off my first convertible on my own (almost), survived several experiences I never thought I would be faced with and met some pretty amazing people, while editing out a few people in my life that no longer fit.

So in searching for a new address, I have to wonder what I am getting myself into.  Where will I find myself in ten years.  I’m more afraid of how different it all will be.  Then again, hopefully there will be a lot to be proud of.  Just scary how much can change so fast.

Thinking good thoughts.

Tomorrow is a whole new day and one day further into this next decade.

Time to take a cue from those optimistic applicants & believe in myself a bit more.  Figure out which pair of shoes it is I want to end up wearing into the future.