tiME

Somethings in life are just not meant to be understood I believe, just endured.  You get through them or you give up.  Choice is yours.  Today was again one of those days.  Better days ahead, just have to get there.  Massive projects at work have us all on edge trying to keep up with the pace.  Several points in time I just thought of getting up & admitting defeat and walking away.  Thankfully I’m not alone and together we will get to where the pace is easier & the weight will be better distributed.  Hopefully stronger in the end.

Instead of staying late into the evening, I took time for myself. 

Once a month a group I belong to meet & this time missing was not an option for me.  I wanted to go & I did.

Did I feel guilty leaving work behind? absolutely.  Will I regret it tomorrow when its time to stress over trying to get to where I need to be? Probably, but I might have done that no matter how much I achieved tonight. 

Point is sometimes all the juggling, just boils down to feeling like struggling.

Which is not a good way to live life. 

So my plan is to embrace the chances I have to recharge & return to me.

…plus now I have a fun trip to look forward to & a chance to do something on my life list with a group I trust.  Can’t wait to share more details at a later date!

Now time to catch a dream or two….

loving this print! (Find it on Etsy by clicking the picture)

Juggling Life… or just Chucking those Balls at the Pains

I feel like I am starting to crack.

One thing after another at work & the smiley, happy helpful girl is turning into the jaded, defensive force to be reckoned with.   At times I feel the job makes me love people in learning the stories and meeting people I would never cross paths with even if we do live in the same city.  Other days, it seems to reinforce my fears and mistrust and that inkling of thought that creeps in occasionally that people are just not all there & certainly not all honest.

Part of it is the increased work load that has come along with the clean up efforts from the storm.  That part is great.  Always a good feeling to put people to work.  Most the time its wonderful feeling.  Still when you are getting 35 people started today & another 12 tomorrow, it is non-stop.  Very hard to keep up with all the details & still give that personal touch to everyone.  Triage is not something I enjoy, but the reality is somethings are NOT up for negotiations.  It really is annoying when I get attitude from someone over simple things.  Just trying to help them out.  I wanted to cry several times today in frustration.  Adults who have been working for years act like I am asking them to donate a kidney when I tell them I need the documentation listed on the I-9 forms to complete.  It isn’t even me who NEEDs the information, its a government requirement.  I got blessed out more than once today while trying to get them through the paperwork needed to get them paid legally.  It not just show up, work & get paid.  Sometimes I wish it was.  So much to do, so many wanting attention or answers… I just hit a wall today.  Still the work goes on.  So I was there til after 7 tonight finishing up a few things so that maybe tomorrow will be a bit easier.

The juggling is hard.

I have clients who ask for certain characteristics and skills specifically and who want to be dazzled by the best this town has to offer at rates they can afford.  I have a wide range of people who all want the perfect job they have always dreamed of.  Some with some realistic expectations, some who want to be paid immense sums of money for doing absolutely nothing.  Then there are those who are required to look for work, but are completely uninterested since any actual work might mess with their unemployment.  Just frustrating.

THEN comes the juggling of my life…

Touch base with the family, spend time with the family, spend time with the pug, the parrots, keep them fed, keep me fed, clean the cages, do the dishes, the laundry, whatever else I can, meditate, keep myself healthy and clean & looking well enough not to hate myself, pay the bills,  touch base with friends, maybe even try to connect with someone I maybe someday will have time to actually spend time with….date.  Just want to scream at times.  I don’t even know how most people do it.  Especially with kids & all the life they juggle.

So how to deal?  Just keep breathing.  Keep reminding myself I am only one person, I can only do what I can.  If my best isn’t good enough, then its not for me.  Even if its what I want.

But how on earth to I keep them all in the air & yet reach for the dreams I long to grasp?

Guess it all comes down to the daily decisions.  Choose which way to greet the day… as the good witch or the bad witch.  I get the choice, even it at times it all seems like way too much & I feel way to alone in the fight.

Savor each and every good moment to the fullest.  Like right now.  Knowing tomorrow will never be the same as today.  That the clothes are almost all clean.  That I am loved in my house so much that there is a parrot on each shoulder and a pug nuzzled up to my leg… all just wanting to be with me whatever I am up to.  Also the weekend is just a few more days away.  Time with my family.  An adventure with my Dad, time with mom & get to see how my sister & brother in law’s house is coming along…. & their new car!  Visit with Badyn & the rest of the fur family.  Say farewell to Liz, who was the cat equivalent of 97 people years, so there is no need to be sad at her passing although her presence will be missed.

after the storm

Believe it or not, I slept a lot this weekend.  In a hurricane, I slept.  Without pills or anything, just exhaustion.

Previous hurricanes had me worried sick.  For whatever reason this one just left me feeling calm.  Waiting. I read, I meditated & learned that sudoku puzzles are harder than the ones on my iPod!  Just enjoyed burning candles and waiting.  Listening to the storm and being.  Wasn’t the best experience, but we got lucky.  Hardest part was the power being out pretty much all weekend.

Never been so grateful for my candle chandelier in the bathroom.  Put it up for whimsy & just because I liked it, but I have to say it really came in handy!

Still now that  life is returning to normal, I just feel in a funk.  Work is insanely busy, but the increased work load also means high speed decisions and no being able to focus as much as I would like on the details & getting it right.

Date yesterday with a new potential then saw Shadow today at work.  Reminders of how alone I feel sometimes.  I long for those REAL connections that come with time and trust.  Someone to worry how I am during the storm.  Still we have to clear out the stuff that has gone bad to make room for the new.

Much like all the gunk that once was delicious in my fridge.  After a couple of days without power, it when from nutritious to lethal.  So toss it out.  Not sure when I will get to the store to replace a few things.  But I guess sooner or later, I will restock and things will feel normal again.

Try to be inspired by nature.  What we see as destruction, may just be making way for things to come.

Besides.. ever thought of what would happen if trees never fell over?

Just have to keep going, keep breathing & try to catch a few moments worth remembering along the way.

Thanks for it ALL

So basically we all need to get together & give Momma Nature some love.  Clearly we have done something wrong.  At least in the Wilmington, NC region.

After the recent water spouts & tornadoes, today we get all shook up.  Aftershocks from the earthquake in Virginia.

With a hurricane gaining strength and heading our way!

Always a wild ride it seems.

The approaching storm brings back so many memories of preparations for storms in years gone by.  Sometimes the storm would fizzle out or take another route, but then there are those times were we get the impact.

I’ve been lucky most of the time.  Done my time in powerless hot houses eating junk food that didn’t need refrigeration and drinking beer with the neighborhood.  I’ve evacuated several hours away only to get caught in a tornado and freak out to the point I passed out.  I’ve bunkered down alone to ride out the storm with a good book and praying that nothing would give me any reason to grab the futon mattress and hide with the dog in the tub underneath it.  My old car flooded EVERY time a tropical storm or hurricane hit.  Which is a bonus this year not to have to worry about.  Shingles leave the roof, tree branches are lost but if we are lucky we are spared with only the loss of plans for a couple of days.

With the approaching storm, I have the urge to get out and take lots of pictures of the city, the beach, the river, all the sites around me, knowing that in a few days it all may change.  I know the responsible Virgo in me would like to make the list and check all the items off for a well stocked emergency kit.  Make plans just in case and track the progress religiously.  Sadly that is not an option with work keeping me hopping with the potential for hugely increased assignments IF the storm head our way.  Also I know obsessing on the storm has never been a good thing.  Just a lot of worry.

The biggest thing about all the strange weather events that makes sense to me is, in the end there really isn’t a thing you can do.   If a tornado hits, you can duck & cover all you want but if the ball lands in your number on that roulette wheel, that is all she wrote.  Same with the hurricanes and the earthquakes, what will be will be.  You can struggle and make sensible choices, but its still a lot of luck that gets you out through the other side.

Only thing to do is be at peace with all that you are and that is in your life.

Easier said than done.  Still I try.

Read a saying today that struck a cord with me.

What if you woke up tomorrow and ONLY had those things that you were grateful for today?

All day, I kept thinking of things I would miss if they weren’t there.  Small stuff like staples in my stapler and the sound of the phone ringing.  A text from a loved one checking to see if I was ok or felt the shaking.  The feel of slightly damp freshly clean hair on my head.  The comforting feeling of knowing the casserole in the oven will feed me a couple of days cheaply.  I have fresh water to drink. Toilet paper!  The important things like the wiggle of Baxter’s tail when he realizes I’m home again.  The sound of my Mom’s voice or the pictures on my wall of relatives that shaped my life during the short time we shared walking this earth together.  The glimmer of hope for a beautiful tomorrow and all the rainbows that come only after the storms.  The luxury of having what I have in the here and now.

Choose to Soar

tonight is one of those nights where I wish I had a bed outside somewhere to get away to

but I don’t.

LONG Monday today.  The approaching storm has doubled the work load for us at the office with the potential for a few contracts IF the storm hits.  Which means lots of prep work that we may never need to complete if we are lucky.  Placed our receptionist on another assignment that is more her knack.  Will be training the new one this week.  All while the other recruiter is enjoying a much deserved week of vacation.  First all I could think is “Why this week? Why me?”  But then again… Why not? I can handle this.  Its not my first week on the job.  Bonus is the owner is stepping in to help.  Instead of choosing to see this as an opportunity to fail, I have to believe this is my chance to shine, to others but more importantly to myself.

I am determined to soar.

Even with the additional work load that wasn’t planned for.  I live in the Cape Fear.  The chances of a Hurricane coming my way are just one of those prices we pay to live here.  Shapes this area in so many ways & although extremely scary, they strengthen us.

So prepare and then ride the storm out.

In time its all a memory.  Just like the stress of this week.  I will get through it to the other side.  Sure it might not be ideal, but just have to do what I can and clean up the aftermath.

Remember just how powerful nature can be.  In the end, its the only thing that survives.

 

Looking past the ugly

This morning I slept in later than I thought was possible.  Woke to a text of a picture of a guy & a dog relaxing & thinking of me.  Snuggled with the sweetest of dogs who thinks he is a teddy bear.

Then reality hit me slap upside the face.

But enough of that…. I had to get out of the house.  About 5 minutes later it dawned on me that its the weekend where all the freshmen move into the area.  Also known as HIDE! Extra traffic, extra shoppers, and forget going out at night.

Part of me misses the excitement of the start of a new semester and the potentials it all brings.  Clean slates and new faces.  “This is going to be the best year ever!”  Almost made me want to clean my place, move around the furniture and get all glammed up for a crazy night downtown.  But then I realize I have wine & am no longer validating my existence with GPAs and keg stands.  I also don’t need a fake ID to get my own booze…. which is what I decided to do.

Bottle of wine, groceries and a day doing laundry & thinking over where I am in life.  (there is not enough wine….)

But it is fun to dream.

I remember getting the list that came along with the dorm assignment of what to bring & what not to bring.  I remember spending hours dreaming up what to get.  Talking over who was getting what & how we would set it all up with my roommate who happened to be a friend during high school although we attended different high schools.  The excitement of finding the PERFECT thing!  Dreaming of the life that would be.

I was so excited to finally get away from the past.

Which hit me today.  When things start to feel so comfortable yet not working out right, my instinct is to move.  High school it defined making it or not.  Wrong as it may be, I saw those who stayed in the area as so limited.  Afraid to try it on their own.  I felt accomplished to leave it all behind.

Now my life is in another one of those want to run periods.  As much as I love the memories made here, part of me wants out.  Feels like maybe there is a better life, a new life free of all the not so great memories, elsewhere.  Does it mean that if I don’t get away, I fail?  Not so sure I feel that way any more.  Maybe it takes more to make it work where I am. (City wise… I still HATE this house, neighborhood & really want out, but do I want out of this city? maybe not.)

“Anyone can give up. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart…that’s true strength.”

So who knows.  Am I giving up & taking the easy route by just staying where I am and not pushing myself? Do I even have it in me anymore?  Certainly not at the moment.

Still… since I am spending the evening solo, with that bottle of wine, why not dream again of what it would be like to be starting over again?

Like this laundry bag…

because there are always loads of laundry to be done.

glow in the dark stars…

very necessary

organizers

for the stuff

dishes

for the easy mac & those slices of pizza!

PANTHERS PRIDE

There are several things I look forward to this time of year.  Panthers begin playing.  The blissful smells of pumpkin pie all around.  Still working on that countdown til the Pumpkin Spice Latte is available again (thinking 12 days away now…) but thankfully I have a reason to watch sports again! PANTHERS GAME DAY!

Catman

So in an effort to try new things… I ALMOST decided to get out of the house to watch the game tonight.

Starts at 8 pm which didn’t leave time for me to drive to Charlotte after work to watch.  For whatever reason, the city I live in seems more interested in college sports and disc golf than NFL sports!  Forget getting Panthers gifts at the holidays in this town.  I’ve tried.  Easy to get local college gear, but its very limited in actual pro sports!

Most times I don’t even try to catch the games in public.

I grew tired of watching the Panthers play with others when it seemed everyone wanted to chat instead of actually WATCHING the game… no I do not want to listen to the latest CD you down loaded or discuss what to eat next time I go to whatever place.  Save that shit for half time or the commercials.  Jerseys on the field in black, white or blue, means quiet & focus.  Its just 4 quarters,  you can hold it in til later unless its FIRE or THERE IS A MAN WITH A GUN, or  POISONOUS SNAKE under the couch! (note the POISONOUS part.. don’t bother me with a small black snake).

So I made it a point to be home on my bed/couch to watch.  The birds get covered if they are too loud, but they tend to just get excited with the whistles and me yelling occasionally.  At times I will watch at my parents place.. bigger TV & more of a Panther’s town … CHARLOTTE!

Wish I had the time, money & chance to got to every game live… or even every home game, but its not in the cards at this time in my life.

So forget the group game time.  Thinking this year its back to solo sidelines for me.  To the Black & Blue, I gotta stay true.

as I shake my head, embarrassed by my city & that it doesn’t support the local team.  Its Carolina.  Even if we are on the edge about to fall in the water, doesn’t mean we aren’t still in the state!