tiME

Somethings in life are just not meant to be understood I believe, just endured.  You get through them or you give up.  Choice is yours.  Today was again one of those days.  Better days ahead, just have to get there.  Massive projects at work have us all on edge trying to keep up with the pace.  Several points in time I just thought of getting up & admitting defeat and walking away.  Thankfully I’m not alone and together we will get to where the pace is easier & the weight will be better distributed.  Hopefully stronger in the end.

Instead of staying late into the evening, I took time for myself. 

Once a month a group I belong to meet & this time missing was not an option for me.  I wanted to go & I did.

Did I feel guilty leaving work behind? absolutely.  Will I regret it tomorrow when its time to stress over trying to get to where I need to be? Probably, but I might have done that no matter how much I achieved tonight. 

Point is sometimes all the juggling, just boils down to feeling like struggling.

Which is not a good way to live life. 

So my plan is to embrace the chances I have to recharge & return to me.

…plus now I have a fun trip to look forward to & a chance to do something on my life list with a group I trust.  Can’t wait to share more details at a later date!

Now time to catch a dream or two….

loving this print! (Find it on Etsy by clicking the picture)

Juggling Life… or just Chucking those Balls at the Pains

I feel like I am starting to crack.

One thing after another at work & the smiley, happy helpful girl is turning into the jaded, defensive force to be reckoned with.   At times I feel the job makes me love people in learning the stories and meeting people I would never cross paths with even if we do live in the same city.  Other days, it seems to reinforce my fears and mistrust and that inkling of thought that creeps in occasionally that people are just not all there & certainly not all honest.

Part of it is the increased work load that has come along with the clean up efforts from the storm.  That part is great.  Always a good feeling to put people to work.  Most the time its wonderful feeling.  Still when you are getting 35 people started today & another 12 tomorrow, it is non-stop.  Very hard to keep up with all the details & still give that personal touch to everyone.  Triage is not something I enjoy, but the reality is somethings are NOT up for negotiations.  It really is annoying when I get attitude from someone over simple things.  Just trying to help them out.  I wanted to cry several times today in frustration.  Adults who have been working for years act like I am asking them to donate a kidney when I tell them I need the documentation listed on the I-9 forms to complete.  It isn’t even me who NEEDs the information, its a government requirement.  I got blessed out more than once today while trying to get them through the paperwork needed to get them paid legally.  It not just show up, work & get paid.  Sometimes I wish it was.  So much to do, so many wanting attention or answers… I just hit a wall today.  Still the work goes on.  So I was there til after 7 tonight finishing up a few things so that maybe tomorrow will be a bit easier.

The juggling is hard.

I have clients who ask for certain characteristics and skills specifically and who want to be dazzled by the best this town has to offer at rates they can afford.  I have a wide range of people who all want the perfect job they have always dreamed of.  Some with some realistic expectations, some who want to be paid immense sums of money for doing absolutely nothing.  Then there are those who are required to look for work, but are completely uninterested since any actual work might mess with their unemployment.  Just frustrating.

THEN comes the juggling of my life…

Touch base with the family, spend time with the family, spend time with the pug, the parrots, keep them fed, keep me fed, clean the cages, do the dishes, the laundry, whatever else I can, meditate, keep myself healthy and clean & looking well enough not to hate myself, pay the bills,  touch base with friends, maybe even try to connect with someone I maybe someday will have time to actually spend time with….date.  Just want to scream at times.  I don’t even know how most people do it.  Especially with kids & all the life they juggle.

So how to deal?  Just keep breathing.  Keep reminding myself I am only one person, I can only do what I can.  If my best isn’t good enough, then its not for me.  Even if its what I want.

But how on earth to I keep them all in the air & yet reach for the dreams I long to grasp?

Guess it all comes down to the daily decisions.  Choose which way to greet the day… as the good witch or the bad witch.  I get the choice, even it at times it all seems like way too much & I feel way to alone in the fight.

Savor each and every good moment to the fullest.  Like right now.  Knowing tomorrow will never be the same as today.  That the clothes are almost all clean.  That I am loved in my house so much that there is a parrot on each shoulder and a pug nuzzled up to my leg… all just wanting to be with me whatever I am up to.  Also the weekend is just a few more days away.  Time with my family.  An adventure with my Dad, time with mom & get to see how my sister & brother in law’s house is coming along…. & their new car!  Visit with Badyn & the rest of the fur family.  Say farewell to Liz, who was the cat equivalent of 97 people years, so there is no need to be sad at her passing although her presence will be missed.

after the storm

Believe it or not, I slept a lot this weekend.  In a hurricane, I slept.  Without pills or anything, just exhaustion.

Previous hurricanes had me worried sick.  For whatever reason this one just left me feeling calm.  Waiting. I read, I meditated & learned that sudoku puzzles are harder than the ones on my iPod!  Just enjoyed burning candles and waiting.  Listening to the storm and being.  Wasn’t the best experience, but we got lucky.  Hardest part was the power being out pretty much all weekend.

Never been so grateful for my candle chandelier in the bathroom.  Put it up for whimsy & just because I liked it, but I have to say it really came in handy!

Still now that  life is returning to normal, I just feel in a funk.  Work is insanely busy, but the increased work load also means high speed decisions and no being able to focus as much as I would like on the details & getting it right.

Date yesterday with a new potential then saw Shadow today at work.  Reminders of how alone I feel sometimes.  I long for those REAL connections that come with time and trust.  Someone to worry how I am during the storm.  Still we have to clear out the stuff that has gone bad to make room for the new.

Much like all the gunk that once was delicious in my fridge.  After a couple of days without power, it when from nutritious to lethal.  So toss it out.  Not sure when I will get to the store to replace a few things.  But I guess sooner or later, I will restock and things will feel normal again.

Try to be inspired by nature.  What we see as destruction, may just be making way for things to come.

Besides.. ever thought of what would happen if trees never fell over?

Just have to keep going, keep breathing & try to catch a few moments worth remembering along the way.