Appetite for Celebration

Oh Saturday, you are my favorite day ever…. well other than those Fall Sundays where the Panthers get to play.  Still days like today keep me going.  Mellow morning being a whole lot of lazy.  Baxter snuggles, parrot play & then some time out shopping & people watching.  HILARIOUS!

Found some great basics, socks, bra, undies, workout shorts, etc. and due to the sales… saved WAY more than I spent.  Which makes me wonder why ever buy anything at regular price? Tank tops for $24 or $4? um… let me see… DUH! Love a good sale.  LOVE new clothes!

Especially when I know exactly where I am going to wear them.  Sure the workout clothes are for the gym Monday, but today I am getting my work out in a whole different way – its CATERING TIME!

I know its work, but I swear it doesn’t feel like it.

All week I deal with meeting people, most unhappy & with sob stories to tell.  Some we learn way too much about & even uncover less than savory secrets that make you question the history of everyone you meet.  Seriously start to wonder if you aren’t the only person around without criminal records.  Of course that is an exaggeration, but the difficult personalities can certainly take center stage sometimes.  As much as I love my job, sometimes we all need a break.

So send me to a shift where the people I work with smile, the people I am serving laugh & joyful celebration sets the stage.

I LOVE my catering shifts.

Its a big work out with all the lifting, walking, cleaning, setting up and whatever else is needed to get through the party and do our best to make the event one of the best memories ever for the people celebrating.  I know without a doubt at the end of the night my body will be exhausted and sweaty, ready for nothing more than a shower & bed.

Also positive that the food will be amazing! Better than any other place to eat.  The settings are always enchanting and the company always entertaining.  Not only do I get to attend the special event, I don’t need to stress over what to bring or wear.

Course I will.  Especially with the rain.  Newish pair of comfy shoes broke in ready for this season & a new, fresh white button up shirt ready to pair up with the black pants.  Catering uniform ready to roll!

I’m just slightly excited.  ha ha!  Something about it all just feels wonderful.  Not just the nibbles of bliss or the paycheck that comes after, but the happy people.  I need moments like these to balance out the negativity that comes in life sometimes.  Reminders that even though some may be having hard times & barely getting by, others are still thriving and enjoying life.  There is still hope.  Its our choice in a lot of ways which we choose to be.

For tonight, I will be among the joyous.  Assisting my own way in bringing the magic of the moment.

….& of course dreaming of my own moments.

 

Essence of Ali

yes. believe it or not I am alive.  I know I haven’t posted as often as I had been, but its harder to do since the laptop went kaput.

The added expense of Baxter’s emergency vet visit didn’t exactly help the situation.

Still life goes on.

Thankfully he is doing fine. Finishing up the last of his meds (thanks to peanut butter) & no longer in a bandage, which makes him very happy.

Tomorrow might be pay day, but I don’t see a splurge on the horizon.  As much as I would love to run out & snag a new laptop, phone, clothes & all those other things I think I NEED, I recognize they are not needs.  I’ve been blessed to live & grow up in a world of luxuries and excess.  I’m used to being spoiled. So dealing til I get the dollars shouldn’t be a battle I can’t face.  I have my Kindle Fire, the computer at work & the phone still works even if not reliably.

Feels strange being less in the loop.  Less connected makes me feel less connected.  Living alone feels more alone.

Maybe I am just missing my family more & realizing how much things change so quickly.  Hard to remember the days where I lived with another & family visited filling these walls with chatter and leaving us all wishing we had more room to move about.    Now even with the birds chirping & yelling, the pug snoring & snorting, it still feel deathly quiet at times.  Like a tomb enclosing my world.

Leaving me wondering what I really am doing here.

Do I really need these devices to feel connected to life?

If so, does that make me modern, or a manic?

 

Pugster Panic

The events of the past 48 hours have rocked my world.
Woke up like normal & got the birds new food & water, dressed, yelled for Baxter to get out of bed for the twentieth time… then when I got him out finally I was getting my shoes & find that he lost a toe nail on the way out of the bedroom. Not like part of the toe nail.. like the ENTIRE FRIGGIN NAIL! So of course when I let him back in he is bleeding ALL over the place. I was trying to catch him to see what the hell was going on & he was trying to go back to sleep. Lazy bum. So yes, blood in the bed, on the couch, the rugs, my cloths, the carpets, floor…. even the shower curtain! I tried to get the bleeding to stop but it wouldn’t. Compression, cleaned it with hydrogen peroxide & more compression… nothing but more blood. He acted like he felt fine but I know I wasn’t. Used some bandages I had leftover from my days of daily bandage changes & got changed quick from work clothes to jeans & a tee.
So I had to call in to work & take him to the vet. He was still bleeding there & they said there wasn’t anything else that I could have done at home. Had to leave him there for the day. Going to sedate him to suture up the opening & then trim all his other nails back deeper than normal. My lil buddy is going to be on antibiotics for a little bit but should be ok. Still no clue why it just popped off that way. She said she hadn’t see one do that before. Usually they break & dangle but this was the full nail.
Always good to clean up a house that looks like a crime scene, change clothes 3 times, run up a $200 bill & pop a klonapin all before going into work 2 hours late….
While at work I thought I would be smart & move the money I needed to pay the vet bill from savings to the credit card, then use the card. Make a payment & pay the bill with the same cash. Then I went to check to make sure I had the card with me….to find it EXPIRED in JANUARY! See how much I use that thing? so I tossed it back under the desk where my bag was and moved more money from savings to checking. Dang it!
FINALLY I got the call he was ready. FINALLY I got finished up with work. FINALLY I got across town to my lil hurt baby… reached in the purse to get the debit card & discovered no wallet. Searched the bag & the car to no avail. Yup back UNDER my desk it had missed going into the bag. So back across town through traffic. Thankfully I have an alarm code & key to the office because by then everyone had cleared out for the weekend.
So bill paid. Great report that he had been a perfect lil patient and was quite hesitant to want to wake from his afternoon nap to go. He had made a few more fans through the day. Poor guy looked so pitiful all bandaged up. Got the instructions for his pain killer/anti-inflammatory and antibiotics, scheduled the follow up appointment for Monday to have the bandage removed and headed on home to snuggle my poor buddy.
Well that was MY plan. Evidently he had other ones. Like just forgetting the whole healing thing. Did I mention that literally within 5 minutes of being home? Yes the expensive professional bandage was OFF. Little buggar decided Monday was far too far away to wait.
Back to my stash. Another bandage & tried to keep him calm. Kennel time. Lights out & after seeing he was ok, went to dinner with a friend.
Returned to find another bandage OFF. So back to the stash & rewrapping the paw. Gave him the medication as directed. Then on to bed. Snuggle time it was.
Nervously I didn’t even go for the Ambien. Besides after the day, I was exhausted.
Around 4:30 AM I nearly got scared to death. Woke up because it was WaaY too quite. No normal snoring. He was laying so still beside me I couldn’t feel him breathing. Felt him & couldn’t feel anything breath pulse nothing. Tears in my eyes I panicked thinking he had a reaction to the medication. Jumped up & cried out his name wiggling his head in my hands hoping to hear the snore I loved so much. The eyes opened. He had the biggest WHAT THE FUCK look on his face! I think if he could have moved to the couch for the night he would have! Guess the anti-inflammatory stuff helps his breathing & thus less snoring? Freaked me out but he seemed less than thrilled. It is really hard to sleep without that sound now! So I laid there for a while just feeling grateful for him in my life. Also thankful that the bandage was still on even if it had shimmied down a bit down the leg.
Plans were to head to my parents. The weekends ahead are packed with plans & it could be well into May before I have a weekend wide open.
With Baxter doped up, we weren’t quite sure how he would do with the other dogs. Would he stay calm? Then I realized, I wasn’t staying calm, why not go? I didn’t want to miss seeing the family. So we loaded up & rebandaged up… yes AGAIN. Halfway there it was already off again. Long road.
I’m beyond sick of trying to figure out how to keep it covered & clean. Even my sister with all her medical training had trouble in getting one to stay on. Although hers did stay on longest, several hours.
So here we are, at my sisters, on her laptop… wondering what fun tomorrow will bring. Crazy how quickly things change.
Whatever tomorrow has in store, come what may. For now I just look forward to another meal where we all sit around the table together & another night with a snuggled up pug by my side. Snore or no snore.

Technicalities

So my phone is a total piece.  And I’m not talking of art.  Its been freezing up & demanding more & more space daily.  The kicker is alerting me that I have text messages coming in that its rejecting due to low space…. but it has enough space to tell me THAT! Don’t ever do that to a girl, especially a single girl!  I am going to go nuts wondering! Who, what.. did I miss some confession, some rejection, some major pieces of information or invitations?  I will never know.  I don’t have space.

Also my laptop has gone from ailing to comatose to needing to just be cremated.  It was with me for far more years than it should have been & it loved me well.  It will be missed terribly.  In lieu of flowers, mourners can donate to the fund to bail me out of jail as I go batshit crazy.  Hoping that I can organize a plan to get a new one soon, but at the moment I can not justify spending that kind of cash.

Don’t even ask me about replacing the phone.  Steam will seriously come out all facial openings and you may get burned.  Its not worth it with the state of health insurance coverage these days!  Why something is free or low cost once every 2 years but cost as much as several car payments any other time, even if you have been a customer for years is BEYOND my comprehension.

So how do I communicate now?

I am still figuring that one out.  If my Kindle Fire goes out or my iTouch, I am seriously just going to walk right out into the waves.

For anyone who doubts the power of Mercury on a Virgo in retrograde can just live in my world for one cycle!

Talk about technical difficulties.  But like most challenges we face, there are ways to cope and overcome.  Soon I will have the chance to get everything working again or replaced.  Even if I do have to wait til after April comes!

Moving Beyond the Fear

Another day back in the saddle of work.  Fought the urge to stay late & knock out a few projects since it was night two of the pole dancing classes!  Part of me couldn’t wait to get back in action.

The other part kept thing – shorts.  shorts in March.  I am not ready for shorts in March.  Reality I am not into wearing shorts right now no matter what the month.  Just not a fan of my legs for now.  Silly I know.  Body issues just creep in like termites & take control sometimes.  I know I am not the same girl who had the dancer’s body years ago.  Even if I wish I did.  Facing that fact in full length mirrors that line the wall isn’t exactly a wish come true. But the reality is the more skin to grip the pole, the better you do.  So shorts it is. Gotta suck it up.

I freely admit that it took a klonapin to get me in that room.  Funny how one moment you can be so confident & secure, but the next you slip into self doubt and comparing your body to others.  We are all so different that never leads to good things.

Still I love that I have come this far.

Back in a dance class.  Pushing myself further & further into the areas that aren’t comfortable – physically & emotionally.  Doesn’t matter what it took to get there, I was there.  I stayed the entire class and worked my ass off.

I have the bruises, scraps & chipped toe nail polish to prove it!

Started to feel the limitations that my injured hand is going to cause.  Scared myself a couple of times thinking I was going to push myself into re-rupturing the tendon in doing pole slides, but I was lucky.  Hoping that through practice I can find ways to adapt and my arms will grow stronger.  I am learning that a lot of time you aren’t just gripping with your hands as you would think, but using your upper arms, thighs and any other body part that works for that maneuver.  So much of it is learning to trust your body.  Taking that trust that you will catch yourself as you fall into the spin.

Yes.  This class is becoming more than just a physical work out for me.

Also discovered a book last night that has my head spinning.  In a great way.  I needed something light, funny & having nothing to do with romance, dating or drama.  A good distraction.  Stumble into the bio section on Amazon & ended up having a book suggested called Agorafabulous!: Dispatches from My Bedroom.  Interest officially peaked.  I read the description and wondered if this insight into another agoraphobic’s life would be a good thing or push me back into old patterns.  The story certainly sounded all too familiar, anxiety issues that progressed into full blown agoraphobia.

I took the risk.  Started reading, fully prepared to laugh but I wasn’t so prepared for how real she describes a few things.  Perhaps I didn’t think that anyone else went through the physical reactions and fear that I did.  There is a certain comfort in reading the pain and torture but with a humorous twist.  If we can’t laugh at the things we do, we will never survive.  I know I try my best to laugh at the various predicaments that I worked myself up into.  The feeling of needing to hide or get out a situation IMMEDIATELY or you knew you just couldn’t trust your body.  Felt strange to read REAL account of agoraphobia instead of just another exaggerated Hollywood adaptation.

Hearing another woman’s story feels empowering.  She clearly made it to the other side and is dealing well.  The fact that she has such a sense of humor & is able to speak out about the experiences is truly inspiring.

I may have found a new heroine!  She is Agoraphantastic! At the very least I know I have found myself into a book that is going to be easy to finish.  Can’t wait to continue on the journey tonight & see how she goes from low point to on top of her game.

Perhaps one day I will share more of my stories from the horror within.  For now I am just going to celebrate how far I have come, keep pushing myself further and hope that all wounds do heal in time.

For now, I need to get something on these scraps & bruises, read a few more pages & get some sleep!

Another Try?

Been a weekend of ups & downs.

Closer to a great friend & excited about her beautiful future.  Feeling so lucky to know I have friends who are so supportive when I feel horrible.  Also very grateful that after putting my faith into another person who didn’t deserve it, I am ok knowing that at least I love myself enough to not to put up with certain things! Still disappointing when the guy turns out not to be what you thought he might.  85 has definitely been 86’d and will not get a third time at bat.

Change in seasons & change in focus.  Regroup & recharge.  …& maybe restock the fridge later today! Starting to think no one actually lives here anymore.

Revise the goals time:

  • 10 on 10give $10 to a non-profit each month on the 10thalthough it seems like its hard sometimes to do this on time, but it happens.
  • Read more! - I need more time in my life to read.  But lunches work great. Thinking of treating myself to a new book today but feeling guilty about a few I haven’t finished. Still I know I can finish one by the end of this month.  Got a few new suggestions & frankly the distraction from life is so welcome right now.  I can’t imagine a world without books!
  • Try one new thing each week – last week had me trying pole dancing.  I think I am sticking to the adventurous side.  Always room to try new things.
  • Work on the photo scavenger hunt more – hoping to get into a new spot to take a few pictures soon. I keep forgetting what to look for in this!  Need to at least get 2 more done by the end of this month.  Should be inspiring not work.
  • Continue my love affair with Post Crossing had to get more postcards & stamps, but its still so much fun.
  • Daily food picture –  366 dishes – funny how I get on certain kicks. Like spicy chicken wraps & grapefruits.
  • Spend an hour with someone else outside of work each week – this week was seriously fun and feels great to be around someone who can laugh at similar things, like barney purple yoga pants paired with a sunshine yellow lace top.  Where were that poor thing’s friends?
  • Comment on at least 2 blogs per week – so much great stuff is blogged about & I read several religiously, other blogs I stumble upon and get inspired.  Yet I don’t comment as often as I should.  I know that there are a few eyes on here and yet the comments are all spam, which is ok I just delete them.  But I want to bring a smile if I can letting others know that someone is reading. So comments are coming. 
  • Check out at least 2 new potential houses per week – I will never find my new place if I stop looking.  I need breaks sometimes when it all just seems like its never going to work, but I can not stop.  Goals are never achieved by completely letting go.  Sometimes you have to loosen the grip, but you still have to know where you are trying to go.

Optimistic? Sure why shouldn’t I be.  Life is what you make it.  Sometimes that means you have to keep out the bad guys.  Its not always easy and sometimes it hurts, but otherwise you will pay. I prefer to rip the band-aid off quickly instead of enduring the slow pain.

Thinking of a few other more drastic challenges to focus on.  Maybe a fitness one? Something with cooking? dreaming of the options.

Any suggestions?

Why the Nerve of Some People!

Occasionally I have to stop & wonder why on earth I do the things I do.

LOOOONG couple of days at work have me pooped.  I love what I do but at times people just drive me nuts.  There are some days I am overwhelmed with how amazing people are and how many stories there are to tell then there are days like the ones I have had recently when it seem everyone tells nothing but stories & has something to hide.  So grateful for the good people in this world.

Especially grateful for some time away from work to recharge.  Spend time with friends and on my own life.  As they say those that don’t take care of themselves can’t very well help anyone else.

Weekends are the oxygen masks for our souls.  We can choose to give up and help others while we get weaker or we can slap that puppy on & breathe to live another day.

I’m inhaling deeply.

…and perhaps going to make a sign for the door at work!

Which I know is not nice but still.  Enough is enough sometimes.  Its almost like people forget they are dealing with other people.

So this weekend I am going to cherish the time I have with nice people.  Dream a few dreams and maybe commit a few random acts of kindness in the name of bringing in some positivity in this world.  It surely needs a bit more of it desperately.

Remind myself that not everyone is out for themselves at the expense of others and not everyone I meet has an angle.  Sometimes they just need a smile and a bit of room to breath.