I was sitting, waiting, wishing

… love Jack Johnson. But I do not love waiting.

Even though I know I am taking huge steps toward my future, I still feel a bit like I am on a treadmill.  Everything is on pause.

Waiting to hear if I got into the summer session of classes or if I will have to wait til the fall.  Waiting to hear more about financial aid options.  Waiting to figure out how many classes I will need to take – waiting on transcripts to be received.  Waiting to hear what courses from undergrad will count towards this to see if I can for go a couple of courses.

And waiting to figure out what my schedule will be in order to be able  to tell what hours I can work!

Just a LOT of waiting around.

Hopefully patience will pay off.

I know tomorrow one wait will be over FINALLY.  The new laptop should be arriving by 3 pm tomorrow.  Completely cause for celebration.  Back to normal again.  No waiting for updates on the iPod.  No waiting to transfer photos from the camera.  No more waiting to figure out the account balances by having to wait for transactions to clear online.  Yes I am addicted to quite a few things, like Quicken, Photoshop and iTunes.

Keep reminding myself it will all work out soon as long as I do what I can then sit tight and keep wishing.

The Dare – Student Edition

Caffeine has nothing on enthusiasm.  Another day wide away before I need to be.  Just too excited to get going to the next phase.

Virgo: Travel plans that you have been working on for a while are finally taking shape now. Or, perhaps, you’re enrolling in an educational program, making your upcoming journey a mental one. Either way, you’re at the threshold of a great adventure and previous resistance continues to fall away as Mars in your sign gains speed. Fortunately, you receive an extra boost of help today from the practical Sun-Pluto trine, so focus on a single goal and work to make your dreams come true.

Sounds like I am right where I need to be.  Love it when you do something because you know its what is right for you & then you end up getting all these confirmations that you are exactly where you need to be.

Yes its slightly scary to take the leap, but I know now I have wings & with the effort, I will soar.

End of another chapter on the resume.  May seem slightly sudden, but its been coming for a while.  I am feeling wonderful about it & ready to start working towards my next phase in life.   The experience was valuable.    So the application is in, transcripts are on their way and my FAFSA is in the works as well as plans to get by for however long this ends up taking to build the dream.

I’m putting my money where my mouth is & walking the talk.  If you only live once, there is no reason to wait a moment more to reach for the dream.

Also time to be slightly realistic & make a plan!  So the plan. (yes… again the Virgo is going to try to plan!)  This time I am less afraid & more focused on getting through the tough times to where I want to be.  I am in a holding pattern til I can confirm if I will be starting school in the summer session or the fall.  Also need to confirm on the financial aspects.  The age old do I do the student loan question.  I have never had one before, but this time I don’t expect anyone to pay for this but myself.  My parents and both sets of grandparents were kind enough to bless me with my bachelors degree.  My PHR was paid for by a former employer.  These building blocks certainly are paying off & I am truly lucky to have had them.  Now to use them to grow on.  Sure scholarships & grants would be great but most I have found are for undergraduates and single moms.  (PLEASE feel free to alert me to any that I may qualify for in the comments! I am very open to working on getting them & if your lead pays off, who knows I may reward you.  Don’t get too excited though I will be a college student on a budget!)

So again the plan, or the challenge I am setting for myself:

  1. Work out at least 4 times a week 30 minutes
  2. Keep waking up by 9:00 am for at least 5 days per week
  3. STUDY!  No sense waiting for classes to begin learning.  Time is now.  Learn vocabulary, concepts, forms etc.
  4. Improve typing speed
  5. Live on $100 a week (But I am changing the rules on this one)

Each week I am going to limit myself to $100 per week to eat, entertain myself, etc on.  This will not include bills, gas, medication or pet expenses.  It will include clothes, food, going out, all that extra stuff.  Again there is a way to add to the amount!  Achieve in order to get more.  Reward system.  Budget living again, but with hope.

As before – Any food in the house or anything given to me won’t count cost wise.  Also I can and will find ways to earn cash. Still resolving not to touch the 401k!  To add to the weekly allowance I can gain some extra cash flow by earning it:

  • For every application for a scholarship, grant or employment I complete & submit = $1.00
  • For every hour I volunteer = $1.00
  • For every interview I go on = $1.00
  • For every extra 30 minutes of exercise beyond the 1st 4 sessions per week = $1.00
  • Each day I track over 10,000 steps in a day = $1.00
  • For each book I finish = $1.00 for each book, $5.00 for anything related to the law field.

So back to the plan.  Tracking everything I do.  My life is my job.  For now at least.  I still am doing the catering service and actually am working a wedding today.  Perhaps with the increase in film production locally lately, I will find myself doing extra work again soon.  Once I get the green light on classes & can figure out my school schedule, I can get a better idea on what hours I can work.  Then its job hunt time.  But for now I am not sure if I’m going to summer or fall session & not 100% confirmed where I will be studying.  So a lot is up in the air.

I’m beyond excited.  Feels 100% right for me.  Can work in a field where again I am helping others.  Law school could be an option down the road, but I believe I am more into the research and administrative assistance side.  Not sure I would be much for the public speaking in a court room.  This way I get to be part of the team & support in the efforts but get to stay out of the limelight.  Completely know the value of support.  Reminded how much of a gift it can be as I do this with the support of friends & family.

Not alone and not accepting defeat in this fight.  Time to grow.  Time to prove myself once again.  Time to survive and thrive!

I’m open to any advice or suggestions that you have.  Please feel free to contact me if there is anything to share.  Encouragement, advice, links, all completely welcomed.

Now I’m off to search for scholarships and read a little before I am off to assist with making a bit of magic for a happy couple (& getting a great workout, food & my next paycheck!).

So this is daybreak

I’m not a morning person.

On any given day, I am the one who can sleep in the morning as long as possible & then be the zombie that shouldn’t be spoken to til after 10 am if its important.  Caffeine is not optional.  So why at just after 6 am did I suddenly fine myself wide awake? perhaps it had something to do with not taking the ambien last night, but I have a hunch its a bit different – for the first time in a long time I am truly inspired.  Ecstatic to chase a new day from beginning to end.  See how much I can pack into it.

Recently I realized that the things that I have loved in most jobs I have had & the conversations that really ignite me are the rules, the justification behind those rules & defining or in some causes redefining them.

One of the main things that attracted me to the Human Resources field is that sense of order that policies bring.  I believe all people have the right to do things the way they feel best, but as society or organization, we need to define those boundaries to some extent.   Give someone a goal & the rules of the game then let them go.  You may just be inspired by what you see!  The communication and negotiation of expectations is vital to group harmony.  As is ability to recognize differences & the value they bring to the common good.

So why didn’t I make the connection before?  Guess it wasn’t time.

My Dad asked me this week if I had thought about going back to school to get specialized training.  My initial thought was forget that! I was lucky to make it out once!  All the tests, homework & deadlines…. and last time I checked it took money not brought it in.  I was trying to make ends meet easier not drag them further apart.  But hours after hanging up the phone, I had a realization that maybe Dad was on to something.

Daily seeing resumes come in with various specialized training for positions that just were not available may have me a bit jaded when it comes to technical training programs.  Some schools are in the business of selling their services and in this time of higher unemployment, it can be an easy sell.  Without jobs to enter into to use that training though what good does it do?

There is value in being the master of one, rather than the Jack (or Jill) of all trades.  Especially when you are fueled by passion rather than just wanting to cash in the paycheck at the end of the day.

So today I begin my journey to chase a dream.  Today I look for scholarships, grants or potentially my first student loan ever.  Why? Because I am fueled up & on a mission.  I know now where I am meant to be.  I also know that before now, I wasn’t ready.  Maturity and all the experiences before needed to come before, but now I need to find my way in.  Make it happen.

Law.

First steps find the funding & the training.  Ideas are in place and contacts for advice and information has been made.  Transcripts ordered and admission application submitted.

And there isn’t an inkling of doubt in my heart that this isn’t what I am supposed to be doing right now.  For once in my life I can truly say – there is no fear, only trust.  I will find the path as long as I open up to it & take steps forward, even when those steps are scary.

So today I begin.  I am committed (perhaps should be committed may be what some are thinking) and I am dedicating myself.

Broken free from all restraints holding me back I dive.

 

Draft Dreams

Tonight I watch as lives change.  The NFL Draft is on right now & I love this night each year.  Dreams coming true. The excitement and hope. New careers start.

Which is extremely timely in my life.

I haven’t exactly been happy lately.  Just not able to get my heart & mind into my work – well, I guess I should say FORMER work.  yes my time as a recruiter is over. No drama, no hard feelings, just time to end and allow fresh energy to do the work.

So tomorrow I will be enjoying a bit of me time.  Relaxation & stopping to smell a few roses so to speak.

But come Monday.. its ON AGAIN!  another challenge to begin.  Some of my most popular post have been those where I was out of work & looking for a new job while sticking to a budget.  Of course I am going to do it again!  With a bit of a twist.  I have in mind something that came to me & like a light bulb went off, it just made sense.  One of those why didn’t I think of that before moments.  I am going to follow my heart again.  But that is a story to come.

For now I watch as others dreams come true.  The excitement to see who is picked & their smiles as big as can be.  I can’t help but be thrilled for each & every player who goes up & accepts that new jersey.  This fall I most likely will boo them as they battle my beloved Panthers on the field, but tonight we share an emotion – pure elation.  The joy of knowing the best is yet to come.  Awareness that its going to be work, but its worth every single moment.

So congratulations to all the new NFL players & their families.

Can not wait for all the things to come!

ebbs and flows of the green

Whoever said money is the root of all evil was on to something.  Not exactly calling it evil, but it sure does cause problems.  Getting it, keeping it, sending it where it can do best.  So many choices to make along the way.  So many decisions that seem to be made for us.

Tonight I spent sometime figuring out next month’s budget (I know geek – but I live alone & on a single income you gotta make it work!) and trying to figure out how on earth to afford all the things I want and need in life.

Its no secret my laptop broke.  As much as I am trying to deal, I am lost without it.  Nothing is as it was before and as much as it pains me to be so dependent on a machine, I am addicted.  I miss the ease & being able to photograph and edit.  I miss blogging with more ability to post.

In time.  I’m working to make it work, but honestly I don’t see how people do it.  I’m focused on a luxury item.  Daily I see people who struggle for necessities.  How lucky I am to have what I have, but still I want more.  I’m expected to do more.  By having a steady paycheck, more is expected, from myself & others.  Is it so wrong to wish I could keep up with american life and build a savings?  The beliefs on what we should be able to afford and what we actually can seems to have a gap.

I see it not only in my own status, but in most people who are honest.

We juggle cost of living, cost of health, cost of sanity and cost of desires.

This weekend it seemed every where I turned money was causing stress.  The need for it, the required spending of it or the desperation to save it.  Expected or unexpected it flows all around us.

Sometimes we just have to ride the wave to where it takes us.  We can tried to steer but what will be will be.  Most we can do is be prepared as much as we can.  Maybe we can grab a board and make the most of it, other times all we can do is hold our breath as we go under and try to avoid the rip currents as best we can.

 

 

 

 

wild wonky weekend

Insanity

How to even describe this weekend’s adventures? Unexpected. Unplanned.  Unnecessary. Undoubtedly so.
What had hoped to be one experience proved to be a test of spontaneity. While I knew the plans of the night would include patience, I had no idea of the extent.
For a few weeks now we had planned a paranormal investigation several hours away at a historical site. Research, figuring out where to stay, finding equipment, what to do with the birds & Baxter, taking time off work, who was riding with whom, learning I needed new tires (& how expensive they are!), repacking, etc. All came down to Saturday night. The closer I came to the site the more evident it became, the night it just wasn’t meant to be.
For reasons that aren’t mine to share, the investigation had to be called off.
Disappointed? Of course. We all are. However what’s meant to be will be. Perhaps it’s just better we didn’t go.
Instead we hung out & just got to spend time away from the normal scenes. Break from the day to day.
Besides, I already received all the evidence needed to solidify my belief in life after life ends in the flesh. Loved ones who stay near and protect me find little ways of reminding me of how much we still are connected.
Instead of flipping out in panic or anger at the change in plans, I chose to just relax. I was lucky enough to have a safe place to stay to rest a few hours before driving back the 7 hour trek. Thankfully I also had people to pass the time with.
Why I was able to maintain a sense of calm and ease I’m not entirely sure. Maybe it was seeing all the other drama around me that helped me recognize that I had two options: be pissed off about uncontrollable factors or just find the silver linings. Being upset would only hurt myself & guarantee the weekend was wasted. The choice was simple.
To my psychiatrist & my meds, I say thank you.
As much as I would like to say it was all smooth sailing, it wasn’t. I had a couple of panic attack attempts while being in a new environment with lots of strangers. I didn’t sleep. Tried to use a klonapin in place of my ambien (that was in my car at the moment) & nearly as soon as it dissolved it hit me that I had been drinking! A beer with dinner & wine afterwards watching TV. Not much but enough to cause me to worry. Couldn’t believe I just did it out of habit. What if I had done that after really drinking?
Dying doesn’t scare me. Dying & being misunderstood or being close to dying but not, scares me. Dying of an accidental overdose on a virtual stranger’s couch is just not the way I want to exit!
So maybe in a lot of ways I’ve come far, but I have plenty to work on. One thing is for sure, I’ve driven down more roads than most do in a week. I’m exhausted.
Even with the slight screw up, I am proud to be where I am.  Proud to keep my cool.  Probably won’t be in every situation, but for now I am celebrating each and every positive thing I can.
…. but for now, bed.  My ambien (completely sober), my bed (not a couch) & my pug snuggled up beside me.   Tomorrow is a whole new adventure waiting to happen. Not even going to try to force it to be anything its not.  Just going to take it as it comes and recognize that not everything is cause for stress.  Few things will be remembered in the long run.

Clothing – on & off

bleah.

That is what I think of packing. bleah.  The laundry swirls around in the washing machine just waiting for its time to be folded and stored in the suitcase.  Tricky part is always guessing what on earth to take?  I barely get through a day without wishing I had worn something else, so packing.. not fun.  Any psychic ability I have is certainly not in the knowing what to wear ahead of time range.

Even with the fear of not knowing what to take, the thrill of the change in locations makes it all worth it.  I ALWAYS forget something.  Never fails.  Its just a part of who I am.  At this point in life, I accept and own it. Just hope that its never something I can’t deal with not having.  Sometimes its small things, wishing I had a certain book, or nail polish after finding I had time,  maybe a pillow to stay comfy.  Other times its less easy to just deal with.  Once it was the toothbrush.  Thankfully someone shared a new one with me.  Another time it was clean underwear.  REALLY thankful that it was a short trip & that I could deal by the flip and then going commando til I got back home.  Always something.  Usually I think of it about half way to where I am going.

Its just me.

Another thing on my mind tonight.  Trying to just let it go, but of course I can’t.  I make no secret that lately I have been taking a new fitness class – pole dancing.  I make no secret that I love it.  I’m not the best, I’m not a pro & I know I don’t have a body anywhere near perfect but I enjoy the workout.  I enjoy doing things I have never done and never thought I could be doing.  Fitness pole dancing is very different from the scenes in movies and TV shows where the chick in the thong (& usually nothing else if its a premium channel) shimmies around the brass rod and occasionally pushes her but up on it or my even take a twirl.  In class sure we strut & toss our hair around bending & rolling our bodies to the beat of the song of the moment, but we also do a LOT of strength training.  We balance our body weight in an arm pit.  We flip upside down & kick out our legs stretching deep.  We use momentum to fling our bodies around in spirals til we reach the wooden floor on our knees.  We get bruises and we get muscles.  Cardio & strength & flexibility training all wrapped up in a fun empowering package.

Honestly I joke a lot about it.  Its fun & the jokes are ALL over the place.  From the stereotypes (I’m busty with long blonde hair) to the puns (You need to show skin for the pole – skin grips brass it actually does help), there are many laughs in the situation.  There isn’t a class that I have been to yet were we don’t giggle.  We look awkward, we feel awkward and missing a turn & slamming ungracefully into the floor instead of gliding down… well its less than sexy.

So when I shared with family & friends what I was doing I was prepared to laugh along with the jokes.  Actually I was prepared to need to defend myself with family & work – neither place have I had to.  Both coworkers and family have surprised me with the support & awareness that this is a workout not professional training for a second career.  Many see what a big step this is in pushing myself and how much being back in a group dance class means to me.

While I completely respect those women & men that work in strip clubs, frankly its not me.  I am too self-unconscious with my body to ever be that brave.  Dancing in a ballet costume for years on stage was terrifying.  Classes were a blast, but the performance part was always the dreaded end of the year chore.  To get butt naked on a stage even in front of just a few jerks, would take more alcohol than would allow me to stay upright.  Course alone with someone I trust, absolutely.  Why not?  Its just my choice in life.  Congrats to those who can be that self confident, but I’m no where near being there and I am completely ok with that.

Yesterday while I was chatting with an ex I was surprised to finally get the reaction I dread to the discussion of the new thrill in my life.  The “Are you now a stripper?” reaction.  REALLY?  How long have you known me?  You really think the agoraphobic girl is going to start stripping out of the blue? Wow.  You think someone knows you.  No clue what sparked the anger or the acquisitions but it was a complete shock.  He was certainly one person I was more afraid would hit me with the “can I come watch” approach than the “what is going on with you?”.  Some how the shock hurts more than the reactions that aren’t shocked at all.

Life you are completely bizarre sometimes.

& I will never claim to understand guys.  EVER.

What I will do, I keep doing what I do to make myself happy, healthy & in hopes that my life will mean something in the end.  Damn the reactions of others.  I know what I am doing & that the intentions are good.  There may be moments where I feel less than happy with my life, but under it all I still respect myself and know where my comfort zones are.  While pushing them is great, shoving myself into extremes isn’t an option in my book. Neither is the negativity of others.  Approval isn’t needed, appreciated when given, but not needed.

Especially when it comes from someone who isn’t always 100% sure that they want to be a part of my life.  I’m single.  I’m free.  I do what I feel is right for me.  Judgment not allowed anymore.

So back I got to the laundry.  The clothes that only come off for those who I choose them to.  Back to packing for the next adventure.

Which is going to be something completely new & I am extremely excited about!