you remind me of the babe

Simple.

When I need to remember what really does bring a smile to my face & I need memories of the good times, let me always remember strolling under the stars in search of shark teeth & shells.  Remind me of the way he has me pick up them all (even when he finds them which is more often than not) so that I am the first human to touch them & probably the first living being since they fell from the shark’s mouth decades ago prior to becoming fossilized & making it to shore.  Also the way he starts singing “You Remind Me of the Babe. What babe? the babe with the power.” out of the blue to me without realizing my favorite movie in the world is Labyrinth.

Maybe its just this moment, but for now that is just fine by me.  I will hold on to every moment I can as long as they keep bringing smiles.

Is this real?

Surreal: having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic:

Lately life just feels a bit surreal.

A few months ago what seemed normal is now a distant memory.  Things that mattered then, seem meanless and insincere.  I’m still me, but more so.  Less pressured, less stressed, less fear.  This rat exited the race & seems to have fallen down a rabbit hole.

I feel like is this post had background music, this song would be it…

Who would have guessed that flipping life upside down would make it all feel more right than ever before.  Hard to remember how “natural” it was to hit the alarm, rush to become acceptable, race to arrive, robotically go through the motions expected and when worn down go home to do it all again.  Thought it was good and where I should be, but there was a reason for the unhappiness & the drained energy that never seemed to recharge.  We give so much of ourselves at times that we completely lose sight of who we are and just agree with the suggestion of who someone or some company expects us to be.

Classes are less structured than I imagined & the passion that ignites in each lesson fuels on through coursework.  Opening more questions and desires than closing.  So much to learn and experience.  Each lesson makes me long for more.  Wild how one moment all this wasn’t, then some event happens and others decide the “truth” and it is so.  We accept it and move forward.  Laws in so many times develop from experience.  Experiences that shape the future.  All because it is said so.  One moment it is this, then the next it is that.

I’m not officially working, save a few odd things here & there as desired like catering, yet I don’t feel as if a safety net has been jerked from under me.  I still have savings and even with more time on my hands, I spend less.  Want less.  Feel more.  So strange.

I’m fully aware that the “bad stuff” is still there waiting to strike at any second, but I don’t care.  I stare down the demons at bay with indifference.  Be what may, I am as is.  Suddenly none of it matters.  I can’t do a thing to prevent the harm.  Choices aren’t mine to make always.  Sure they may effect me, but perhaps they are shaping me into someone who can handle what is to come.

What all does it mean anyway?  Struggle to get more things.  To pay more for extras half the world doesn’t even perceive as necessary.  To drown ourselves in MORE.  None of it has the least bit of meaning.

What does matter are the intangibles.  The memory.  The ideas that seeming pop out of nowhere when you stop to actually just listen.  The hidden treasures that lie hidden away in the moments we don’t take time for.   The details of the petals on the flowers missed from the windows of the passing car.  Connecting to a greater reality.

We all cope in different ways.  I thought I had a handle on my emotions and fears, but realize a lot was just stuffed away in a box on a shelf.  No time to sort through them and deal.   Taking the time is a luxury that I am so grateful for.  Why do we so often forget that nothing can go so strongly without stopping now and then?  The engines burn out.  The soul needs rekindled.  The body needs to heal and reset.

So I gladly transition to this paralell universe and shed the skin no longer needed.

Perception is everything.  To some this stretch of time is indication of failing but its not.  It is a blessing that is hard to accept.  Stepping off the conveyer belt into the darkness isn’t easy.  Jumping from the plane into the sky is pure faith.  But as you glide down, slowed by the parachute you take in the moment.  You see the world from a whole new angle.  The experience passes but you are forever changed for it.  For better or for worse.

& no I am in no way high… just feeling strange.  (I don’t do that schtuff! Becareful if you do or else you may end up naked, gnawing off a homeless guy’s face – gross! People are bizarre!)

One mighty water

One day I may learn to sleep a normal schedule again.

One day I may figure out what I’m really looking for in life. Lately I’m just not sure. On some levels things seem to be falling apart. Still others pieces are potentially better than ever.

One thing that is becoming increasingly clear is life is short. Every moment wasted is gone forever. You learn from it, live it for what it is & step forward into the next one. I’m figuring out people can be incredibly self centered.  Which isn’t always a bad thing. If we don’t love ourselves, why should anyone else. Problems arise when you start to love someone & realize that its going to mean taking into consideration everything from a whole new perspective. Goals may change but others achieved. Maybe no matter how much we would like we will never reach all we strive for. Perhaps a few of the opportunities are really just test to see how devoted we are or to see how strong we are.

I know the more I take time out to discover my true self, the less tolerant I’ve become of the petty drama, stress & lack of simple kindness.  Things that seemed normal before now just annoy me. I notice how shallow people can be. How shallow I can be. 

This is a rare moment in time where little things delight. A conversation over a pancake at a greasy dinner can thrill more than a candlelight dinner where you need wine to calm the awkward nerves or be on some best behavior. Reality is just that real. Perception may be everything but reality last.

Feeling drawn more and more to the ocean and its calm serenity. The secrets of its depths more priceless than any name brand or trend. Just the timeless persistence of the sand and salty waves. They were there before my life and after I’m gone they will continue on. Doesn’t matter how much or little we have the shore welcomes all. The rays of the sun caress and warm the skin, be it baby new, centurian old or anywhere in between. The white caps rush up to out toes no matter the number, color or condition they are in. Pure acceptance as is.  No complaints or trying to change. To fear of being left behind.

One in a Million or a Million to One

If you finally got all you were looking for would you risk it all to achieve it?

Every mistake, every fall, every tear brings us closer, stronger & more able to recognize the good we seek.

Still do we take the steady pace and risk the rainbow vanishing or do we rush full steam ahead knowing its possible we may not be able to go the distance at that pace?  But if its the journey not the destination, what is the harm in strolling?

“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand – and melting like a snowflake” Francis Bacon

I’m filled with cliches and quotes.

Truth is I have absolutely no idea what the best answer is right now.  All I can do is to be brave and trust that they best thing will be.

I know this isn’t smart.  Still sometimes your head just has to take the backseat.

Stargazing on the Shore

 Incredible weekend watching the stars, the waves and discovering new places.

All in all the experiences seem slightly unreal and if someone had bet me a million bucks a week and a half ago that I would be thinking & feeling the way I do right now, I would still be one broke chica.  Guess that is one of the great beauties in life, sometimes it gives you what you may need most & expect the least.  Revisiting past waters you never thought you would tread again and finding that this time around you just may find the drive to hold your head high and keep going to see how the story ends.  I may get sharked, may drown or perhaps even rescued.  Either way the sun’s reflection on the water is memerizing and all to be savored at the moment.

Found more sharks teeth, great conversations, captured several sights through the lens and made a few wishes.  No less than 3 shooting stars made their appearance, 2 by the Cape Fear River on Saturday night and then another last night as we stargazed over the Atlantic crashing into the sands shores.

 As if I needed a sign that yes this is ok to make the wish on.

Just feeling incredibly lucky at this moment to be in the right place at the right time with open eyes to see the open hand.

Tides Rolling In

Life is so funny.

One moment you are in your life & see it as all that it is.  You believe you know the path you are on & where you will go.  Then you get a spark. The choice to take the risk or stay where you are defines the rest of the way.

I am proud to say, I took the leap of faith and am LOVING IT!

Classes started yesterday – Family Law followed by Administrative Law today.

Spent a few days in with the family & the jokes were made about going back to school.  I was given spiral notebooks (which may have been  leftover from high school!), new pens, index cards & even taken to get a couple of new clothes.  We had fun teasing about my “FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL”.  Felt great being supported & feeling like I was making my parents proud.

When it came down to the time to go to class last night, my nerves were on edge.  Would I be able to keep up?  Was I thinking it was going to be one thing and really would be totally different & then I would hate it?  Would I be the oldest one there?  Would I be able to stay in a room with no windows and not really able to leave for a few hours without having a panic attack?  So many ideas raced through my head.  Thankfully with support of friends I was distracted & made it to the room.  Klonapin also may have gotten me there.  Took my seat.  Watched others enter…. including the attorney who looked around my age teaching the course!  Then it began.

Within minutes I was swept up in discussions and ideas raced through my head that were what ifs, but less self-centered and more hypothetical consequences and circumstances.  Before I knew it, it was over.  I wanted more… but we got out 45 minutes earlier than expected instead of staying all 3 hours.  Still with assignments to do, I was charged up.  LOVE IT!

On the way home I texted friends, family & called the parents overjoyed with it all.  Giddy might be a good word for this bliss.  …until I ran slap into a BAT!  Head on.  I saw it just before & as it rammed into the glass directly in front of my face.  Talk about buzz kill.  I felt (still do feel) awful.  But what could I have done?  Not sure how an animal with radar even hits a very slow moving car!  But it did and it shook me up.

Between the emotional highs & low, sleep was not going to come easy.

Thankfully I didn’t force myself.  A fellow insomniac & I explored a beach that I am ashamed to say I hadn’t ever gone over to even thought I think I had been to most everywhere around it.  So we set out in the dark, armed with a flashlight & loads of stories to tell.  HAD to talk to someone about how excited & was & all the new crazy laws & potential implications I had learned.

Kure Beach / Fort Fisher

Even in the pitch dark, under a sky so cloudy the moon looked like it took the night off, it was breath-taking!

Listening to the waves crash.  Watching the lightning just off shore.  Seeing all the nightlife in the sand and rocks.  Just so peaceful.  Such a step away from the chaos of the mall, highway & rush I had been in just hours before.

Even taking cover for a while in a lifeguard stand as the storm came on shore seemed surreal.  No stress just wait it out and watch.  Got a bit wet but saved the phones and didn’t get soaked.  Afterwards being damp already made the waves more inviting to play around in.  I didn’t go swimming but it was tempting.

Well mostly peaceful.  Discovered a new creature that isn’t exactly on my wish I saw more of list….. the sand flea  AKA sea cicada AKA mole crab AKA reason I popped my shoes back on….

Not really clear why they grossed me out, but they did.  It was dark & they seemed to be EVERYWHERE!  I just imagined accidentally stepping on one & it trying to burrow away confused by my skin not giving way like the sand.  yuck.  To me they seem like the cockroaches of the beach.  Still as a guest in their house, I had to deal.

Besides there was so much else it was hard to focus too much on the nasty things just under foot.  Mixed all into the chunks of shells were dainty tiny pastel clams who were exposed and just like a lady quickly hid herself away.  There were small crabs guarding there pools between the rocks from unknown light beams (from the flashlight) & so much history in the rocks from the pieces of shells from life long gone to the blackened sharks teeth no longer a threat to the flesh.  I was lucky enough to be with an experienced tooth locater who showed me the ropes.  Even found a great white one on my own!

Maybe this isn’t where I thought I would be.  Perhaps I am not getting rich or finding myself on magazine covers for success, but life should be about achieving bliss as individual as we are.  This for now works for me.  So for the time being I will savor it as if it were my last breath.

Oh what will tomorrow bring?

Sandy Butts Everywhere

Busy day today wrapping up a few things in getting ready for my return to classes.  Still feels funny to say that & makes me slightly giddy!  I know I’m a bit of a geek & will be kicking myself for doing this later when I am struggling to study or complete homework, but for now I’m just happy!  The closer it gets to the first class the more I realize needs to be done.

  • classes paid for: check
  • parking pass: check
  • ID & libray card: check
  • books: check (& saved around $70 getting them online since the store is closed til Monday, even WITH shipping)
  • get new insurance: working on that one.  I HATE figuring out which medical insurance plan to go with.
  • all the other crap “needed” to attend school:  ……yeah…. working on getting all that stuff.  So much could be helpful, but thinking old school – pens, paper.. with a dash of new school – memory stick.  Who knows.

Already I am feeling like the nontraditional student.  The faces on campus today certainly looked younger than me.  Learned that you can now rent textbooks instead of buying them and they now make erasable highlighters!  Guess things have changed a little since I was carrying around the books.

Part of me just wants to start already but another side says cherish these free moments.  Soon I will be nose deep in books and working again on the side.  Make memories while I can and live each second.

Which is why I am spending as much time as possible with this view

is there anything better than can be done in life alone that makes you feel better than relaxing on the sand with the sound of waves rushing on to the shore?  Thankfully most of the time its still not crowded and the sound of the waves is all I hear other than the occasional engine of the lifeguard’s truck or today the sound of a couple of Ospreys passing by on route back to base.  (I think those guys intentionally take the coastal path to scope the beach & who could blame them!)

I honestly think without the ocean, I would be insane.  It has a therapeutic magic that is unlike anything else.  At least for me.

With today being the 10th I thought it fitting to give some love back to the beach.  To protect the piece of peace in my world.  Plus I’m inspired by someone who is locally doing great things!

Amazes me at how many cigarette butts are left behind.  Even when I did smoke, we never left the butts in the sand.  You picked it up & took it with you.  Obviously not everyone acts the same.

Thankfully there are people who are working hard to keep our beaches & ocean from being polluted with the trash left behind.  Read a tweet today that at Wrightsville Beach, It Starts With Me blogger picked up NINE butts in about a second!  Completely unacceptable.  Currently there is a push to ban smoking on our local beaches.  I understand that many would be upset by this, but when you aren’t respecting the beaches, I’m not sure you deserve to be smoking there.

Unfortunately this isn’t just a problem here.  People are trashing our beaches everywhere.  Check out a west coast view of the issue at The Daily Ocean blog.

Clearly if you see what they can do in just a few moments a day, you have to feel inspired to clean up after yourself when you visit!

There is only one type of butt that should be on our beach! – mine relaxing without seeing a piece of trash or smelling anything but salt water.

Hoping through the efforts she & her family are committed to, others gain a better understanding of the impact of such a seemingly small thing.   May her actions inspire others to join in the process.  I know it has me thinking more about what is in the sand.  Perhaps next time I go out, I will take my own bag to collect trash and those pesky cigarette butts.

Maybe even take it a step further and join the local chapter of Surfrider Foundation.  Certainly feeling like giving some love to the waters that make me feel so alive and ground me into feeling that in the middle of all that stresses me, I am there in that moment and I am as I should be.

Certain sounds just soothe.  My grandmothers giggles & yes she could get them often.  She would get tickled over the most random things and then everything would be silly.  It over took her and she would be helpless to the laughter.  Deep laughing to the point where the tears come to your eyes and you can barely speak.  Skip that days ab work out because you are going to be feeling them.  How anyone could possibly not join it was beyond me.  You wouldn’t have a clue what started it, but it felt right to join in.

The ocean is similar.  It mellows.  Takes me to a place inside that still believes in happy endings, love and connections stronger than death.  Comforts me in a way that feel esoteric.   Heavenly.  As if you have found the place where you venture into the outskirts of the after.  You feel peace and forget worries since only your soul will live on.  As long as you have a pure soul and can deal with your choices, you can find peace for a while.  As if laying on that warm sand, feeling the sun’s rays, the body just slips slightly out of line with the spirit.  Like the many kites flown on the beach, our spirits seem to feel safe enough to float & expand beyond our limits.  How many great ideas have been discovered on those sands?  How many troubles have been reevaluated only to see they really weren’t such a big deal to begin with once you remove the passion of the moment.  Its just a magic that is beyond comprehension.  Primal tie to our soul.

Even typing about it has slowed me down and made me think its time to sleep.  Baxter has been snoring away by my side for a while and the birds have long gone “night night”.  We will have to see who is going to be waking who tomorrow.  For a change it may actually end up being one of them!

One night I will sleep on the beach.

I can only imagine the peaceful night that would be.