By Dawn’s First Light

ahhh.  a brand new month begins.

Full of promise, without all the pomp of January’s New Year.  I didn’t really make any resolutions, but lately I have wanted to start a lot of things.  A lot feels on hold.  With so much going on and that could change at a moment’s notice, it just doesn’t seem smart to plan too much.  Yet now I am starting to get used to the current life in two cities situation.  The drive is around 3ish hours and typically there isn’t much traffic.  The highway may be a bit dull with few & far stops in between, but it is nice.  LOTS of thinking time.

There is balance in the days I am home.  Silence.  No plans (other than classes) & no one depending on me.  Much beloved beach time.  Here with my parents, the responsibilities seem almost freeing.  I spend time by mom’s bedside, giving my dad a much deserved break.  Keep the medications all on schedule.  Cook the meals & try to have something leftover to get them through a couple of days that I am not here.  While mom sleeps I do homework, read, blog, discover new recipes and relax.  Dream a little.  Remember a lot.

While I still feel a bit like this is all happening so fast, I recognize time is passing.  From the start my mom always made it perfectly clear that she never wanted my sister or I to put our lives on hold for her illness.  When I made the decision to split my time it was after much debate.  Dropping classes wasn’t an option in her mind.  In the ER in December she made me promise to finish this.  She knows how much I enjoy it & worries that I will sink back into fear (the agoraphobic years).  She didn’t want me dropping a single class, but it just had to be this way.  For all of us.  I had to be firm & tell her that this wasn’t up for discussion I was making a statement when I finally presented her with my class schedule.  We had tried arranging it several ways to keep the full time load, but nothing seemed to work out.   I’m grateful that I am able to live in the two worlds and that I have this time with her now.

So now that I have my feet firmly planted on my flying carpet what next?

I feel like I want something to work towards.  Always do better when I have something to aim at.  Some positive, happy events.

So I am setting a few new goals for myself.  (Some to work on some to reward and pamper myself)

1.  Try a new recipe each week.  (Easy since I have my parents kitchen to work with & several people ready to help me eat whatever I make)

2.  Write.  I thought about doing a statement of “Every day” but the reality is there may be some days where the homework will need to come first or there may be situations where family time is more pressing.  So still going to set a goal, but one that is flexible.  Inspired by a friend’s commitment to finish 50k in a month, I decided to set a month goal.  7,000 words for February.  Works out to around 250 per day.  Totally do able.

3.  Visit the ocean each week.  Even if only for a few seconds.  The sounds of the surf calm me like no other.  So far so good this year.  Even was able to take my torts book out to read the chapter this past week, stormy weather coming & everything.  It is just grounding to be there and I need it to soothe my soul.

4.  Also I have a severely neglected gratitude jar that I started New Years Day.  So far the sad lil thing has ONE PIECE of paper in there.  This changes TODAY.  More gratefulness and stopping not only to smell the roses, but to take a few pictures as well.  Or in this case jot down how incredible they smelled & how they made me miss showering at my grandma’s where she always had a bottle of that pink herbal essence stuff that made your hair smell like roses.

5.  Give more compliments.  Maybe it is the intensity of everything happening right now, but more than ever I feel people NEED joy in their lives.  Friends, family & complete strangers.  Simple acts of love and compassion to show how we are all together in this struggle of life.  We all deal with something and could use the smile.  So comments on blogs, smiles and telling someone how great those boots look, just more happiness to share.

Oh & plan the best baby shower ever for a mom carrying the best kid in the world!  (Did I mention she HATES pink & isn’t so fond of baby blue either?) No storks allowed & no pulling pins off people when they say “baby”.  Thankfully I’m not planning alone.  Her sisters by choice are on board. We are going to have a blast.  She deserves it!

All in all I’m determined.  February will be wonderful.  Just got to be.

& of course blog about it along the way.