Life is so funny.
One moment you are in your life & see it as all that it is. You believe you know the path you are on & where you will go. Then you get a spark. The choice to take the risk or stay where you are defines the rest of the way.
I am proud to say, I took the leap of faith and am LOVING IT!
Classes started yesterday - Family Law followed by Administrative Law today.
Spent a few days in with the family & the jokes were made about going back to school. I was given spiral notebooks (which may have been leftover from high school!), new pens, index cards & even taken to get a couple of new clothes. We had fun teasing about my “FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL”. Felt great being supported & feeling like I was making my parents proud.
When it came down to the time to go to class last night, my nerves were on edge. Would I be able to keep up? Was I thinking it was going to be one thing and really would be totally different & then I would hate it? Would I be the oldest one there? Would I be able to stay in a room with no windows and not really able to leave for a few hours without having a panic attack? So many ideas raced through my head. Thankfully with support of friends I was distracted & made it to the room. Klonapin also may have gotten me there. Took my seat. Watched others enter…. including the attorney who looked around my age teaching the course! Then it began.
Within minutes I was swept up in discussions and ideas raced through my head that were what ifs, but less self-centered and more hypothetical consequences and circumstances. Before I knew it, it was over. I wanted more… but we got out 45 minutes earlier than expected instead of staying all 3 hours. Still with assignments to do, I was charged up. LOVE IT!
On the way home I texted friends, family & called the parents overjoyed with it all. Giddy might be a good word for this bliss. …until I ran slap into a BAT! Head on. I saw it just before & as it rammed into the glass directly in front of my face. Talk about buzz kill. I felt (still do feel) awful. But what could I have done? Not sure how an animal with radar even hits a very slow moving car! But it did and it shook me up.
Between the emotional highs & low, sleep was not going to come easy.
Thankfully I didn’t force myself. A fellow insomniac & I explored a beach that I am ashamed to say I hadn’t ever gone over to even thought I think I had been to most everywhere around it. So we set out in the dark, armed with a flashlight & loads of stories to tell. HAD to talk to someone about how excited & was & all the new crazy laws & potential implications I had learned.
Even in the pitch dark, under a sky so cloudy the moon looked like it took the night off, it was breath-taking!
Listening to the waves crash. Watching the lightning just off shore. Seeing all the nightlife in the sand and rocks. Just so peaceful. Such a step away from the chaos of the mall, highway & rush I had been in just hours before.
Even taking cover for a while in a lifeguard stand as the storm came on shore seemed surreal. No stress just wait it out and watch. Got a bit wet but saved the phones and didn’t get soaked. Afterwards being damp already made the waves more inviting to play around in. I didn’t go swimming but it was tempting.
Well mostly peaceful. Discovered a new creature that isn’t exactly on my wish I saw more of list….. the sand flea AKA sea cicada AKA mole crab AKA reason I popped my shoes back on….
Not really clear why they grossed me out, but they did. It was dark & they seemed to be EVERYWHERE! I just imagined accidentally stepping on one & it trying to burrow away confused by my skin not giving way like the sand. yuck. To me they seem like the cockroaches of the beach. Still as a guest in their house, I had to deal.
Besides there was so much else it was hard to focus too much on the nasty things just under foot. Mixed all into the chunks of shells were dainty tiny pastel clams who were exposed and just like a lady quickly hid herself away. There were small crabs guarding there pools between the rocks from unknown light beams (from the flashlight) & so much history in the rocks from the pieces of shells from life long gone to the blackened sharks teeth no longer a threat to the flesh. I was lucky enough to be with an experienced tooth locater who showed me the ropes. Even found a great white one on my own!
Maybe this isn’t where I thought I would be. Perhaps I am not getting rich or finding myself on magazine covers for success, but life should be about achieving bliss as individual as we are. This for now works for me. So for the time being I will savor it as if it were my last breath.
Oh what will tomorrow bring?