Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, “I just don’t care.”?

THE LIST for 2015 is FINALLY complete & I’m excited to start checking off all the fun things on it before 2015 is over. Last year I managed to check of 45 of the 99 things listed. This year will be even more.

Thankfully last night, I was able to make a dream come true & strike off one thing from the list as done!

I finally sprang for a class in Aerial Silks!

(cue the Glitter in the Air song)

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I will be honest, when I walked into the class my plan was to get some pictures & write a blog post about my introduction to aerial silks. Had a friend who signed up too & thought how easy to just snap a couple of action shots? Would have been had I not entranced from the moment one of the students hung up the contraption to the huge hook in the ceiling. The braided fabric beautifully falling the height of the room and puddling its excess on the floor.  I may have internally squealed as the teacher tested the stretch & give of the sash.
We warmed up and she went over a few basic stretching & things to know like terminology and facts like how much weight the humongous single piece of fabric could hold (note: no fears here. All 7 of us could have climbed on & it still wouldn’t have been strained from the weight!).

It was scary for sure, trusting that the fabric wrapped in a particular way would hold us from falling on the wooden floors. Not being the first to go was a practice in patience and helped to make it a bit easier to feel confident in the wrap. Once I did get my chance, it felt amazing! Although we might have looked graceful and at ease in the poses, they were challenging to get into. The tension in my muscles battled with the desire to stay swinging. The stress seemed to fall from my body as I inverted and let go of the fear of falling.

The names of the poses also thrilled me.  Mermaid.  Angel.  Star. Flamingo.  Peter pan. All great things in my eyes.  I left imagining signing up for as many classes as possible to fit in.

Today it all definitely crashed back down to ground. Seems there was some mix up from when I signed up. The studio offered a discount rate of $5 off when you signed up early. So in December I made the decision to go on and treat myself while I had the cash. Logged in to their website, found the class, entered my information & excitedly told friends about it in hopes they would sign up as well. Which worked.

I thought anyway. Tonight I get a voice mail with a snippy message saying that while they hoped I enjoyed the class, they wondered why I was there last night since they didn’t have me enrolled. Huh? It went on to elaborate how people had to enroll to go to any of the classes… blah blah blah. The point was very clear.

I called back as requested. Thankfully I had saved the email showing when & how I had paid. Unfortunately I also noticed I had been charged the full rate. The person on the phone went into some tirade about how I shouldn’t have been there taking up space last night since I wasn’t enrolled. Only after I mentioned the emailed receipt did she seem to realize I didn’t just show up & get a free class.  She could see their records showing that I had paid in December.  Are they used to people just randomly paying you without any expectations? Turns out their system will take the payment yet you still need to enroll separately.  She tried to explain how I had messed up.

No apologies. No refunds. No going back.

Certainly I had messed up.  In spending the cash to try something new and expecting their system to work.

Mercury is in retrograde and it feels like it for sure. Communication breakdowns left and right. I’m hanging on & trying to see the positives but at times I just want to scream. Tonight I am trusting that the wraps will hold tight and that tomorrow will be easier. At least I got to enjoy dangling for a little while.

As for getting back into the air? Thankfully the teacher runs her own company and holds classes in several locations around town.  Now I just have to make sure that next time, no one considers me as the tag-a-log extra freeloading. I may not have much cash at the moment, but I draw the line at stealing. Oh life. Why do you test us all so much?

Thankfully day 5 is in the books. Only 95 more days of working out & writing left to go. Then the real magic – Disney! For now, I will just strive to catch a few dreams in my sleep & hope that the morning light brings a new outlook. Until then…

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So in my dream…

Trying something new.

Last night I embraced the dreams. Skipped the ambien, partially because I was exhausted from getting back from a weekend with the family late. Decided to just see what messages came.

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Woke up sideways in the bed this morning.

Good thing I slept alone. Baxter didn’t seem to mind.  His lil pug butt just seemed happy I was waking up & ready to snuggle.  Guess I didn’t get too crazy because he didn’t try to wake me.

One dream in particular stuck with me.

A friend appeared and the messages were very clear. Still seems slightly crazy but what the hell. I am close to this friend and for once, I would rather relay my thoughts than have them haunt me. I have no desire to continue this dream. So even thought it didn’t seem to fit, I reached out & asked if everything was going ok.

Turns out life has indeed taken a turn much like presented in the dream.

So I passed along the impressions & apologized for seeming strange. Actually this particular person pretty much already knew that I am strange, but I opened up anyway. Hoping it helps.  …them as much as me. The nagging feeling at least has passed. Now I just worry. About the situation & the impression the person has of me & my mental health.

A big part of the dream dealt with who we are.

Strip away the house, the job, the relationships, the things, the race, religion, gender & even the physical body and what are we left with? What piece is us?

If we let go of what is expected of us, both by others and by ourselves, who are we? … and if we find out, do we like this soul?

Got me thinking a lot about everything. If we let go of all that hold us or pushes us, where are we? Maybe that is what we need to figure out in this life. Less about achieving goals and acquiring things, but more about defining us. Sure the relationships, positions and things can help us learn more about who we are, but many times the take over and we forget the core of this life.

Maybe we need the distractions in order to not go crazy. The pleasures of the connections and achievements help to relax us. Maybe the detour us. Who knows?

So new plan. Test the boundaries.

Trust in me.

Trust in intuition and guidance that makes no sense but feels exactly like what is right.

Trust in something bigger than all I know.

(think this is Shel Silverstein)

(think this is Shel Silverstein)

Hope Glows Like a Chandelier

Remember how I dreamed of redoing my bedroom & then put all that on hold after changing & then leaving my job?

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I wanted so badly to just change it all from top to bottom.  I really did mean start at the top!

Even tried to make a faux capiz chandelier that basically would fit over the existing unit & replace the cover!  That stupid thing is STILL waiting around for me to finish.  It may end up chunked in the trash very soon. I tried to make lemonade out of the lemon of a bedroom light I had, but without the sugar it just ended up sour & unfinished.

 This weekend I got offered some free handy services from the Crab.  He had noticed a few things that to me would mean expensive outside professional help, but having previously built a few houses himself, he had the knowledge & ability to fix.  Some seemed simple,  but annoying – like the bathroom door that seems to enjoy trapping people inside with its required random number of turns to open.  Some seemed monumental to me – like the dripping faucet IN THE BATH TUB! No clue how to even begin to tackle that one.  I seriously had visions of needing to rip thru a wall to get to the pipes.  Deal was I bought the supplies and he would give free labor, I tossed in dinner for good measure & we were off to the home improvement big box.  Several trips & hours later, I was beaming at all that had been accomplished.

thankfully it wasn’t THAT drastic!

Then he mentioned the fact that the two bulbs in the ceiling light in my bedroom were driving him crazy being two different wattages or shades or whatever it was.  Honestly I didn’t think it mattered as much as I hated that light.  Course I agreed that installing new matching bulbs would be a good thing & off we were…. almost.  Then I brought up the chandelier & how I had dreamed of popping it up one day.   I’m sure he probably regreted the next statement, but there it was “I can put that up if you want. Its not hard.”  HA!  Not hard my ass.  It is when you have no clue what’s what.

Out came my crystal laden beauty!  After some adjusting for height, there it was – up and on!  The dream was one little step closer to being reality.  We talked of moving stuff around & replacing this or that.  But mostly all I could do was stare in wonder at the light, finally where it should be lighting up my room.  It already felt/feels cozier & more me.

Maybe the dreams aren’t totally dead just yet.  Sometimes I guess it takes a few steps back & letting go to move forward.  Then again a great side kick certainly helps too.

Tomorrow I attempt to tackle the summer clothes purge – 100 things gone (yes I have more than enough clothes to wear! Sadly I may be a clothes hoarder).  We dropped off one bag at the Goodwill today with 26 things no longer needed.  Tomorrow going for at least another 75!  We shall see.

Also looking forward to registering for classes in the morning & figuring out what the next few months are going to look like.  Hopefully I can get into the classes I need & maybe even have some time left over to get a part time job & bring in money to assist in taking a few more steps to home improvement.  We shall see.  But tonight I am going to be snoozing under my very own chandelier – feeling pretty proud, pretty loved & just plain pretty.

May Day, May Day

What a day.

Life is good when you can start your day with this view…

There was NO ONE on the beach! I loved it. Felt like my own private island get away.  Originally I paid for an hour.  Once I planted my butt in the sand, I didn’t want to leave.  Tried to get more time on the parking meter – not that anyone was waiting on an open space – but I couldn’t get the process to work without knowing my plate number on my car.  So I took it as a sign that my alabaster skin probably didn’t need to get any more sun for the day.  While I will take a tan, a burn is not anything I need.  Although there is NOTHING like the way your skin feels after a lay in the sand.

Especially since I had pole practice tonight.  Last one in a while.  Need to figure out my schedule & finances before I can commit to anymore.  I am REALLY going to miss it.  My arms, legs, abs & entire body feel so much stronger.  Lifting myself up is so emplowering.  Amazing what your body can do once you try!   Plus I completely had to giggle at the modern version of the Beltane May Pole!  May not be braiding ropes or ribbons, but I certainly circled it around enough times & twisted my body up to where it felt knotted!  I will skip the other jokes about celebrating fertility!

So now I’m exhausted & bruised, but thankfully not burned.  Ending the day with a big fat smile on my face & hope in my heart.

No word on classes or a job yet, but soon.  Enjoying the moments as I wait.  One of the best realizations I have ever had is that some emotions, although valid, are useless.  Stressing out & worrying without action is just wasted energy.   So for now I wait & trust that it will work out as it should.  No reason not to enjoy the ride & keep my eyes open for the lessons to learn.

As for the latest challenge:

  • Work out at least 4 times a week 30 minutes – so far I have knocked out 2 hour long classes that worked me out! Tonight more so than last night, but I can feel my body getting stronger.  I am already hating that I won’t be going back to pole class next week.
  • Keep waking up by 9:00 am for at least 5 days per week – no alarm needed but I have been getting up before 9 am each day!  Yesterday I only beat it by about 10 minutes, but still counts.
  • STUDY!  No sense waiting for classes to begin learning.  Time is now.  Learn vocabulary, concepts, forms etc. – biggest thing I haved learned is that there is so much to learn & I want to know it all! Reading in a couple of books & working on some vocab (yes, I’m a geek!)
  • Improve typing speed – now that I am back on a laptop YES MY NEW ONE ARRIVED!!! I am better able to get to practicing.
  • Live on $100 a week – hard, but being home has helped. Also working the catering job helps. Great food to nosh on still this is going to take some work.  The temptations are there, the emails with the “savings” make me really want to go get shorts, a bathing suit, etc. to go from cold to hot weather.  Still I remind myself that if I spend $50 more than I planned but save $100, its still spending an extra $50 over budget!  They are only savings if it is a purchase that is needed.  So holding on the bathing suit & shorts… for now at least.

So thankful for all the great things I am able to experience right now.  Being able to workout in a way that pushes my  body beyond where it has been lately, walking on the beach at sunset and spending mornings laying in the sand, time with the parrots, snuggling with Baxter, new laptops (thank you financing plans) and all the potential that awaits in the future.  So many blessings in my world right now.  Simply ripe for the next phase to begin, but until then I am enjoying being right where I am.  Making memories worth remembering.

Enjoying MY life.

The Dare – Student Edition

Caffeine has nothing on enthusiasm.  Another day wide away before I need to be.  Just too excited to get going to the next phase.

Virgo: Travel plans that you have been working on for a while are finally taking shape now. Or, perhaps, you’re enrolling in an educational program, making your upcoming journey a mental one. Either way, you’re at the threshold of a great adventure and previous resistance continues to fall away as Mars in your sign gains speed. Fortunately, you receive an extra boost of help today from the practical Sun-Pluto trine, so focus on a single goal and work to make your dreams come true.

Sounds like I am right where I need to be.  Love it when you do something because you know its what is right for you & then you end up getting all these confirmations that you are exactly where you need to be.

Yes its slightly scary to take the leap, but I know now I have wings & with the effort, I will soar.

End of another chapter on the resume.  May seem slightly sudden, but its been coming for a while.  I am feeling wonderful about it & ready to start working towards my next phase in life.   The experience was valuable.    So the application is in, transcripts are on their way and my FAFSA is in the works as well as plans to get by for however long this ends up taking to build the dream.

I’m putting my money where my mouth is & walking the talk.  If you only live once, there is no reason to wait a moment more to reach for the dream.

Also time to be slightly realistic & make a plan!  So the plan. (yes… again the Virgo is going to try to plan!)  This time I am less afraid & more focused on getting through the tough times to where I want to be.  I am in a holding pattern til I can confirm if I will be starting school in the summer session or the fall.  Also need to confirm on the financial aspects.  The age old do I do the student loan question.  I have never had one before, but this time I don’t expect anyone to pay for this but myself.  My parents and both sets of grandparents were kind enough to bless me with my bachelors degree.  My PHR was paid for by a former employer.  These building blocks certainly are paying off & I am truly lucky to have had them.  Now to use them to grow on.  Sure scholarships & grants would be great but most I have found are for undergraduates and single moms.  (PLEASE feel free to alert me to any that I may qualify for in the comments! I am very open to working on getting them & if your lead pays off, who knows I may reward you.  Don’t get too excited though I will be a college student on a budget!)

So again the plan, or the challenge I am setting for myself:

  1. Work out at least 4 times a week 30 minutes
  2. Keep waking up by 9:00 am for at least 5 days per week
  3. STUDY!  No sense waiting for classes to begin learning.  Time is now.  Learn vocabulary, concepts, forms etc.
  4. Improve typing speed
  5. Live on $100 a week (But I am changing the rules on this one)

Each week I am going to limit myself to $100 per week to eat, entertain myself, etc on.  This will not include bills, gas, medication or pet expenses.  It will include clothes, food, going out, all that extra stuff.  Again there is a way to add to the amount!  Achieve in order to get more.  Reward system.  Budget living again, but with hope.

As before – Any food in the house or anything given to me won’t count cost wise.  Also I can and will find ways to earn cash. Still resolving not to touch the 401k!  To add to the weekly allowance I can gain some extra cash flow by earning it:

  • For every application for a scholarship, grant or employment I complete & submit = $1.00
  • For every hour I volunteer = $1.00
  • For every interview I go on = $1.00
  • For every extra 30 minutes of exercise beyond the 1st 4 sessions per week = $1.00
  • Each day I track over 10,000 steps in a day = $1.00
  • For each book I finish = $1.00 for each book, $5.00 for anything related to the law field.

So back to the plan.  Tracking everything I do.  My life is my job.  For now at least.  I still am doing the catering service and actually am working a wedding today.  Perhaps with the increase in film production locally lately, I will find myself doing extra work again soon.  Once I get the green light on classes & can figure out my school schedule, I can get a better idea on what hours I can work.  Then its job hunt time.  But for now I am not sure if I’m going to summer or fall session & not 100% confirmed where I will be studying.  So a lot is up in the air.

I’m beyond excited.  Feels 100% right for me.  Can work in a field where again I am helping others.  Law school could be an option down the road, but I believe I am more into the research and administrative assistance side.  Not sure I would be much for the public speaking in a court room.  This way I get to be part of the team & support in the efforts but get to stay out of the limelight.  Completely know the value of support.  Reminded how much of a gift it can be as I do this with the support of friends & family.

Not alone and not accepting defeat in this fight.  Time to grow.  Time to prove myself once again.  Time to survive and thrive!

I’m open to any advice or suggestions that you have.  Please feel free to contact me if there is anything to share.  Encouragement, advice, links, all completely welcomed.

Now I’m off to search for scholarships and read a little before I am off to assist with making a bit of magic for a happy couple (& getting a great workout, food & my next paycheck!).

Just a Picky B*tch

Bit frustrated lately.

Been straddling the dreams of new house, new relationship, hope that a few situations people I care about will turn out for the best.  Reality likes to slap you upside the face when you get out of hand dreaming.  The challenge is do you keep dreaming or just resolve to settle for what is realistic?

Checked out a few houses.  Seeing more flaws that I am future.  My price range sucks.  Spots look good online, but a drive by destroys the delusion.  Too far from work, too close to the neighbors, too sketchy an area… too much to consider.

Dates? well I am still trying.  Sweet guys, but my heart isn’t exactly singing  for the time being.

Part of me knows that my biggest problem is my own fear & inability to focus on what I actually want.  Hopes have been dashed far too many times in the past.  Not willing to settle, but not entirely sure on where the dreams & reality will meet.

One frustration has been in finding a certain pair of shoes.  This Friday is the Annual Rock the Red Pump project & my toes needed some crimson slippers to celebrate.  Spent the weekend shopping several places- with no luck.  Saw plenty of red shoes.  Some not my size.  Some not my price range.  Some not my style.  After so many stops, I wanted to just say forget it.  I would be red footed in spirit this year.

Kept thinking I work in an office where I can wear pumps daily.  Maybe I should just spend the money on a good pair.  Still the style was a barrier.  Certainly didn’t want most of the uber high heeled f*ck me pumps I had been seeing a lot of places.  Just not what I am looking for.  Again feeling a tad out of the clan wishing for something it seems no one else is.

Not sure why, but today at lunch I decided to give it one more try.  Headed over to the mall where I was sure I would see the same old choices I had everywhere else.

Started out that way.  Although I was inspired by the first stop.  A pair I actually could see myself wearing often…. BUT was about twice as much as I was hoping to spend.  Told myself I was worth it.  Yet inside a voice urged me to hold off.

The next spot again offered less than I had hoped.  Very few red shoes & those that were there of the stripper costume sort.  Not what I had hoped for.

UNTIL I glanced the pair at the very back.  Price was right, but were they comfortable? Actually they were.  Funny enough the name screamed comfort.  Not the same old, same old.  Still not so unique they are obnoxious.  Why not? Tried them on and they fit perfectly.  Sold.

So maybe everything isn’t out of reach.  I just have to stay true to what I want and patient.  In time it will come together.

At least I hope so.

Certainly ended up that way for another girl in red shoes who thought her goals were hopeless!

Pulling back the veil

Wild weekend!

But in a good way.  Dashed off to the parents & got to catch up with an aunt that I hadn’t seen in about a year.  Also got to see the almost finished house my sister & brother in law are beyond ready to get back into.  Its so strange to see a place from childhood changed so drastically.  It previously was my grandparents, but now it is uniquely their own place.  Hoping that all the details being them the joy they deserve.  It makes me smile seeing it all come from vision to reality.  They might be ready to scream & wish they hadn’t started the whole process, but its going to be worth it in the end.

The bathroom alone is enough to make me want to move in with them.  But visiting will be nice too!  If they ever get it all finished & get to finally move back in.

I’m struggling to fight the urge to start dreaming up how to make my house more my own.  Giving up on the dream of moving anytime soon.  So much going on, it just doesn’t seem realistic.  Since its just me, it doesn’t really matter.  I hate this place & probably always will.  The neighborhood, the layout & the memories aren’t changing anytime soon.  Hoping my attitude towards them will.  Til then, I do my time.

And dream a bit.

and escape as often as I can.

this weekend it was into a beautiful world filled with magic and fantasy.

I was lucky enough to win a copy of the Grimoire Chronicles: the Veil Between Worlds by Sally Dubats.  For years I have been a big fan of her Natural Magick: The Essential Witch’s Grimoire.  Its a great reference and go to book.  The simple format is easy for a quick read or refresher as needed.  Admittedly, as much as I have loved Natural Magick & enjoyed getting to know her on Twitter, I had to wonder what kind of Young Adult fiction she had made.  Part of me didn’t want to read the book and risk losing respect some how.  Boy was that stupid!  The book is phenomenal!

Forget Twilight.  I don’t need vampires or werewolves,  I want to meet the beings that Sally brings to life in the world of Cassie!  At first I wanted to move in with Aunt Faye myself.  The words brought an image of my ideal house to life and reading the descriptions of the food she made just made me drool.  (I think there should be a cookbook with some of her recipes!) Everyone needs an Aunt Faye in their life.  Hoping if I ever need one, she will appear ready to provide unconditional support, guidance and love.

Don’t want to give the story away, but I will say it NEEDS to be made into a movie.  Hoping that I am one of the few who are reading less over the years, but I am afraid I’m not alone.  The story in my mind was exciting and easy to envision.  Why not make it on the big screen?

True to her roots, Sally brings in elements of witchcraft that give the readers insights into the world of witches, real ones.  Sure there is a lot of things that are fantasy in the book, but the descriptions of the beliefs, tools and ways are respectful and honest.  This is a great read for those unfamiliar and those who have been practicing for years. Its not just a book for witches.  The story is enticing and entertaining for all, but I have to appreciate the approach given to the ways of the craft.  Hoping it assists a few understand what the religion is truly about and that it is nothing to be feared or be ashamed of.  Her experience and knowledge that made her non-fiction book so great, assist in setting the scene for this novel.  Also love the mythological references tossed in along with poking fun at a few popular paranormal themes.  Honestly I want to discuss a few aspects, but I’d rather not ruin any of the plot or spoil the fun of watching it unfold.

This novel was truly inspiring.  One of those things where you are delighted to find that you loose a couple of hours in without realizing it.   I’m thankful it is a series since I didn’t want the paragraphs to end, but I’m dreading the wait in between books!  I’m ready to rejoin Cassie & the other characters to see what happens next.  Hopefully the wait won’t be too long.

So thankful that I was gifted the book at just the right time.  Within a couple of days I finished the entire thing.  Just like I used to do when I read often!  I’m going to take it as a sign that this year is off to a great start and I will end the year with many more stories read instead of just viewed on a screen.

So the reading goal is going good.

What about all the others?

General goals for the coming year & next few months…

  • Purge 100 things from my world within the first 2 days of 2012
  • 100 Days challenge – 100 days straight of intentional moving 30 minutes each day - what a total pain in the ass.  But its happening. Thought I was going to skip a day last night getting home so late, but I did 30 minutes of the Wii Fit, which counts.  Got to find the fun in this sooner or later.
  • 10 on 10 – give $10 to a non-profit each month on the 10th – tomorrow is the first one this year & I can’t wait.
  • Read more! - Finished the first book of the year!
  • Budget each month prior to the month & stick with it - watching every penny & tracking where it all goes.

As for the more traditional resolutions:

  • Try one new thing each week – this past week I actually READ my credit report.  Actually was surprised that I was much harder on myself than it appears that the 3 agencies are.  Knowledge is power!
  • Cook something each week – Made Garlic Brown Sugar Chicken this week.
  • Take one photo I love each week – 
  • Continue my love affair with Post Crossing sent out a couple more & looking forward to some arriving soon.
  • Floss daily – good so far
  • Meditate more – at least weekly – just 20 minutes, but done
  • Daily food picture –  366 dishes – I missed catching a picture on Saturday, but its a habit.  And yes an eye opener.
  • Spend an hour with someone else outside of work each week – caught up with a friend.