Woke up this morning to see a couple of tiny flakes descending from the white sky. Thankfully that was the end of that. Last year had enough snow in it to last me for a while. After it snowing for Mom’s funeral, I just can’t look at snow in the same way. It makes me sad. It is freezing cold and reminds me of days I would rather not remember. Still the excitement of it all seems to please others so be it.
It does make me stop to realize how different my life is than this time last year. Makes me grateful for the positive changes even if I do miss my Mom. I don’t miss having to make the drive each week, remember all the medication times and all the other stuff that went along with that hard time. I would do it again in a heartbeat to have her back, but I much prefer working on building my life here as opposed to the sad times of ending a life.
I’m ready for Spring. In so many ways.
It is one sad weekend around this house.
Football season in my eyes ended this afternoon when referees saw to it that the 49ers got handed the lead over my beloved Panthers. Still stand 100% behind the crew & I refuse to cheer on anyone else at this point. To me NFL season is over today.
For once I was grateful not to be at the stadium. Too say I didn’t keep my cool would be a nice way to put it. Like I have said before, you mess with those I love & treat them unfairly & woe be you. Time and chilling at home has calmed me down some but I still feel like we have been robbed of a great opportunity and I don’t understand why. What I do know is there is nothing I can do about it other than start counting down the days until the draft party that starts the next Panthers preseason.
Acceptance of disappointments that I can not change is a theme this weekend.
Yesterday would have been Mom’s birthday & looking back I should have planned on it effecting me. I thought I would have been better by now, but grief isn’t like that. It truly is like waves that come and go. I miss her & a lot lately I just want to call her up to vent or ask a question or relay a message in that way she had to other family members. The gaps are still there and the pain still stings.
If I was still living solo I probably would have spent the day in bed not talking to a soul other than when my sister called to check in. Dad was off camping with his cannon buddies, so I feel like he was taken care of. My sister had friends coming in to visit, so she was good. I didn’t think that maybe I would need the support too. Luckily I had it by my side. Thankfully he is a heavy sleeper & I did most of my “ugly cry” sobbing while he was still asleep. Baxter however made sure to snuggle especially close. Dogs just know.
Reading also is helping me. At one point before dawn I got up & made some tea & started a new book, Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. Sometimes the right thing gets to you at just the right time. This is one of those times for sure. Just at the start but already relating very closely and I recommend this for woman who is struggling with the loss of their mother. A lot of the information is about those who have lost their mothers at a young age, but in a lot of ways it doesn’t matter the age. Support systems play a big role in healing and I found myself realizing that not having one certainly has made the impact of her passing feel bigger.
Thankfully I am working on that and having Mr Man here to hold me & comfort me was luxury. Still not feeling entirely like we aren’t just having a long sleep over as best friends, but I guess that is how good relationships should feel. I just have to get used to it & remember it is ok to enjoy it without worrying about when it will end. Scary as it is I am grateful that while mourning the loss of one loved one I am able to feel loved and valued.
Even if she wasn’t here to celebrate I made sure to have cake. He last birthday cake was angel food, so I picked one up. Got it just to feel the comfort and connection to that day a year ago when we celebrated by her bedside watching her determinedly feeding herself spoonfuls of cake, strawberries & whipped cream. Thinking about it afterwards I have to laugh at the obvious pun of having ANGEL food cake. Then again it very easily could be a simple new tradition of remembrance.
& yes of course I made a wish.
Pretty sure she would have & would have wanted me too. Moms are just like that sometimes.
Posted in change, gratitude, hope, life, self love, transform
Tagged change, family, gratitude, grief, healing, hope, life, loss, love, motherless, NFL, Panthers, Reading
With the holidays swirling about all around, I knew this would be one of the toughest years to handle. Emotions just wash over you. This morning was one of those instances. Yet another time I wish I could pick up the phone and call Mom just to thank her for all she did. Course I’m not sure I actually could make it through the conversation without tears, even if she was here.
Conversation last night helped me appreciate the luxuries of growing up with two parents who actually cared. Trying to get more in the holiday spirit I spoke with a friend about Santa. Santa arrived in the night on Christmas Eve without fail for every year of my childhood & even a few of my adult ones. Santa had a rule, “When you stop believing you stop receiving.” In the conversation it hit me that some kids got skipped. To those kids who grew up in foster care, many times Santa skipped over their house ever year. To them it became a holiday of strangers giving hugs and random gifts. For some reason this brings tears to my eyes even this morning. Wish I could go back and give every kid the gift of that feeling Christmas Eve of wondering in excitement if you might get a glimpse of him, hear the jingling of bells and hope that the cookies hit the spot. I truly can’t really even grasp what it would be not having those memories.
The magic of Santa lives on in me. Perhaps the view of what he is has changed from the literal interpretation to one of a manifestation of hope, joy and the beauty of wishes coming true.
Some how I envisioned it was this way for all children. In a perfect world, it is. Each year since my senior year of high school I have participated in the annual tradition of collecting toys to be donated to others. I know loads of people who do the same. For some reason, my hope was that all the children get toys and the joy of Santa is spread to all.
Well of course some I knew had chose not to believe for religious reasons, but to me Santa isn’t part of a religion but a culture of caring. I understood as a kid that some kids had nativities and waited to open gifts on Christmas day while others lit candles and opened gifts for 8 nights. I didn’t get that the differences went beyond the when the gifts were exchanged or the decorations. For me Christmas was & in many ways a holiday that all celebrated together of joy, kindness, getting together, expressions of love and caring & magic. The magic of taking a month to just be happy and make wishes come true. The fact that the observance of the birth of christ and all that happened at the same time at church to me was just a coincidence. So as I questioned my faith growing up, losing the holiday with the family didn’t change.
Of all the memories growing up, Santa is by far one of my most treasured. Interesting that the first year without Mom finds me reflecting and realizing how extremely blessed I have been…. because of all they did to always keep the magic and traditional alive. Feels a bit like I have opened a gift a little early. One I wish I could share with the world.
Posted in gratitude
Tagged blessed, childhood, Christmas, Christmas Eve, dad, family, gratitude, Happy Holidays, holidays, hope, joy, magic, Merry Christmas, mom, parents, santa, santa claus