Hope and Determination

So much changes so fast.

This time last week, I felt my life slipping away from me. Today I awoke with a spark.

More optimistic even if things aren’t perfect.

Mr Man & I have had some long talks and who knows where things will end up. What I do know is it is very hard to deal with depression from the inside, but it is also very difficult to deal with as someone who wants to support and make life better & can’t. There are some trust issues for both of us, but I think we both have good intentions. Time will tell if we work together or if we really just can’t be good influences on each other. Still stings but understanding the reasons and getting apologies certainly helps. Living together is tough even without the added stress.

Face it. We are both a bit nuts.

Face it. We are both a bit nuts.

Other than the stress of having him leave, neither one of us has done anything that would be a deal breaker. I can forgive a lot if there are good intentions behind it. I’m a bit cautious but part of having an adult relationship is working through the tough parts. Both of us being stubborn and used to being in control doesn’t help. We have both been hurt in the past. Our choices now are all that matter. For now the positives of being together outweigh the positives of being apart. So we take it day by day.

Having his stuff out has enabled me to take a better look at my stuff & question why there is so much of it! I swear the clothes in my closet multiply on their own. Feel like I just went through them & purged but clearly the space filled up again and it’s time to go through them again.

Call it Spring Cleaning or sanity saving diversion, the stuff has got to go. In the closet & out. Fixing up the bedroom just allowed me to neglect the other areas of the house. Problem with a great bed is you never want to leave it. Especially when the TV with the Roku is in here. Could just be that I enjoy the green walls so much better than those old white ones.

My goal is to reorganize and maybe even move furniture around.

I can’t change the past, but I know that I can shape the future. So that is where I am placing my energy, focusing on where I want to go, being who I want to be.

Fingers crossed.

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Just Be You

My body has scars, but not tattoos.
There is no desire to change that.
Sometimes I actually enjoy not drinking.
Sometimes I enjoy having a glass.
Sometimes I will have fun getting drunk.
Some days I am confident.
Some days I am less so.
Times I want to rule the world and make things right.
Others I just want to put it out of it’s misery.
Still other days I just want to work a nice pair of kitten heels and master eyeliner.
I’ve been curvy and called fat.
I’ve been skinny and been called sick.
I’ve been called healthy when I was anything but.
There are many things in the world I want to try while there are things I simply don’t see the need for in my life.

The one thing I will never understand is the desire for people to change me.
My life is mine alone and if you have nothing else to do but belittle, try to reshape me and force your desires on me, you truly are one hell of a sad existence. In this great big world you don’t think there is enough room for us all? Those who lack their own definitions and seek someone else to become a reflection to validate them? Why can’t we just be as we are? The mass feels the need to all walk the same line and declare how outside the norm they are because they aren’t marching with the bigger herd.

Redefine the dance.
Break formation instead of being drawn into their cadence.
Sparkle. Shake the glitter into your aura and beckon to the gypsy inside that her time is now, always now. Time to create the world that your soul longs to lounge in instead of mandating that everyone else conform to standards blindly because that is what is expected.

Drift to where your heart sings.
But don’t you dare try to drag me down.

~Ali

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I frankly hate that I live in a day and time where women can’t enjoy glamour and glitz without it somehow “proving” they aren’t feminists or strong. Isn’t feminism about equality & our right to be who we want to be without being seen as inferior?

There is no link to pink zapping out your power.

Had a conversation with a drag queen friend about how my next life I am going to be a queen so I can dress up and do all the artistic looks without just being labeled crazy. Struck how stupid that sounded. I AM a girl.

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When did we lose the glamour side of being female? I prefer jeans but I should be able to strut in glitter boots without looks. IF I want to wear a backless LBD & kitten heels to shop in, why shouldn’t I. Why would it be something unusual?

Last night in my red/hot pink hair of the moment, I had a class full of college students in aw or shock at the vivid color. It was before class & one person commenting on the bright color, opened up everyone else to ask questions, or as one did “Can I touch it?” (It is hair. It feels like hair. “Knock yourself out, why not?”) One even asked if I did it in support of breast cancer. Um No. I did it for myself. Do we really need a cause to be able to acceptably be different? So if it was for Breast cancer it is cool, but because I did it for kicks, it i

s strange? That doesn’t seem right.

Did have a professor (attorney practicing) that in another private conversation mentioned how she wished she had the confidence to try something like it. We talked about temporary color techniques and which lasted how long, etc. I could see the desire in her eyes. Having daughters, she was excited to hear about the chalking way of adding color without the length other more semi permanent have. Confidence? She is an attorney & professor, she has ultimate confidence! Me I’m a recovering agoraphobic with introvert tendencies. Just doesn’t seem logical.

Maybe it is just that I live in the crotch of the bible belt at the moment, but it seems like muted and mundane is accepted but sparkle is some how shunned.  Molds are only good for making candy.

Hoping one day we can just express ourselves how ever we feel that day without shame.  We will kick ass in glittery heels, canvas chucks or combat boots. This is our world too & we should be able to be ourselves as WE choose.

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What should have been

It is one sad weekend around this house.

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Football season in my eyes ended this afternoon when referees saw to it that the 49ers got handed the lead over my beloved Panthers.  Still stand 100% behind the crew & I refuse to cheer on anyone else at this point.  To me NFL season is over today.

For once I was grateful not to be at the stadium.  Too say I didn’t keep my cool would be a nice way to put it.  Like I have said before, you mess with those I love & treat them unfairly & woe be you.  Time and chilling at home has calmed me down some but I still feel like we have been robbed of a great opportunity and I don’t understand why.  What I do know is there is nothing I can do about it other than start counting down the days until the draft party that starts the next Panthers preseason.

Acceptance of disappointments that I can not change is a theme this weekend.

Yesterday would have been Mom’s birthday & looking back I should have planned on it effecting me.  I thought I would have been better by now, but grief isn’t like that.  It truly is like waves that come and go.  I miss her & a lot lately I just want to call her up to vent or ask a question or relay a message in that way she had to other family members.  The gaps are still there and the pain still stings.

If I was still living solo I probably would have spent the day in bed not talking to a soul other than when my sister called to check in.  Dad was off camping with his cannon buddies, so I feel like he was taken care of.  My sister had friends coming in to visit, so she was good.  I didn’t think that maybe I would need the support too.  Luckily I had it by my side.  Thankfully he is a heavy sleeper & I did most of my “ugly cry” sobbing while he was still asleep.  Baxter however made sure to snuggle especially close.  Dogs just know.

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Reading also is helping me.  At one point before dawn I got up & made some tea & started a new book, Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman.  Sometimes the right thing gets to you at just the right time.  This is one of those times for sure.  Just at the start but already relating very closely and I recommend this for woman who is struggling with the loss of their mother.  A lot of the information is about those who have lost their mothers at a young age, but in a lot of ways it doesn’t matter the age.  Support systems play a big role in healing and I found myself realizing that not having one certainly has made the impact of her passing feel bigger.

Thankfully I am working on that and having Mr Man here to hold me & comfort me was luxury.  Still not feeling entirely like we aren’t just having a long sleep over as best friends, but I guess that is how good relationships should feel.  I just have to get used to it & remember it is ok to enjoy it without worrying about when it will end.  Scary as it is I am grateful that while mourning the loss of one loved one I am able to feel loved and valued.

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Even if she wasn’t here to celebrate I made sure to have cake.  He last birthday cake was angel food, so I picked one up.  Got it just to feel the comfort and connection to that day a year ago when we celebrated by her bedside watching her determinedly feeding herself spoonfuls of cake, strawberries & whipped cream.  Thinking about it afterwards I have to laugh at the obvious pun of having ANGEL food cake.  Then again it very easily could be a simple new tradition of remembrance.

& yes of course I made a wish.

Pretty sure she would have & would have wanted me too.  Moms are just like that sometimes.